At the 2015 Video Music Awards, Amber Rose and Blac Chyna stepped out onto the carpet adorned in the words “bitch,” “slut,” and “whore,” among others. Both Rose and Chyna proudly wore these traditionally derogatory terms as badges of honor. The women made this provocative statement because they had been called these names before and wanted to own them.
However, back here in the real world, what does this mean for us mere mortals? Without celebrity status, what would it be like to walk out in public and proclaim yourself to be a slut – or accuse someone else of being a whore? Do these words magically hold less meaning than they did previously because celebrities have attempted to “normalize” these terms into every day, meaningless usage?
Of course not! Stepping out into public and championing yourself as any of the words printed on Rose and Chyna’s outfits would raise eyebrows to say the least. This event has not brought a revolution in the meaning of these words. However, it has created an opportunity for dialogue about name-calling, especially from one woman to another. To continue this conversation, I propose that all women endeavor to undertake this task:
Just talk like a lady.
Before the feminists and the progressives take up arms about traditional gender roles and Victorian-era stifling of a woman’s right to free speech, consider it for a moment. No, I’m not suggesting a return to corsets and polite, mundane chatter from all women. I’m suggesting that we create a definition for “talking like a lady” that is applicable today. A set of guidelines that any woman can be proud to uphold and is a courtesy to other women. And though I’m not an expert on the topic, I’ve come up with a few basic suggestions for what may be considered modern, lady-like conversation.
Place a filter between your brain and your mouth
This filter doesn’t have to be anything fancy or comprehensive. Think a coffee filter. It lets all the good stuff pass through- the warm, yummy, caffeinated goodness that many of us are reliant on. But it also catches all the garbage that we don’t want to deal with in our coffee cups. Just a thin filter that ensures what comes out of your mouth isn’t coffee grounds and trash.
What is garbage speech? Think of all the words you’ve ever felt guilty for saying. Things that were said out of anger or frustration, or you didn’t mean to say, or that genuinely hurt the people you love. Now think of all the words you probably should’ve felt guilty for saying. Things that disrespect others, or that are said out of hate or prejudice, or that are judgements based off of surface appearances rather than actually knowing a person. Maybe some of those words never need to see the light of day.
Respect other women…
Which, clearly, is not what Rose and Chyna have received in the past. Respect goes a long way in this world – and not just the kiss-ass kind of respect you give professors for a better grade. Genuine respect that stems from the fact that she is a woman and you are a woman. Isn’t that enough? Women deal with enough issues in this world, like the wage gap or fighting “The Man.” The last thing we need is to be bashing each other, especially not with words like bitch and slut.
And if you won’t do it to be nice to womankind as a whole, do it as a self-service. When you bash others, especially other women, you get judged. That is a fact. Because if you need to walk all over someone else to make yourself feel taller, then you’re really just a very small person. And others can see right through that. Standing up for someone, though? Refusing to engage in conversations shaming someone else for their own personal issues? That’s not just being the bigger person- that’s being a freaking lady like no other. Try to make it contagious and encourage your friends not to engage in that talk, as well.
…and respect yourself as a woman.
This has a little to do with refusing to make yourself smaller by taking others down, as discussed previously. But it also has a little to do with recognizing that words like slut and whore are not okay things to call yourself. Celebrities like Amber Rose and Blac Chyna can wear whatever they want because they’re celebrities, which comes with a free pass that the rest of us don’t really have. They were making a pointed social commentary, which works in their favor because they’re in the public spotlight. However, you calling yourself any derogatory term- and this includes things like stupid, dumb, ugly, and fat- is not a social commentary. It’s making yourself out to be less that you are.
Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can leave psychological scars that you’ll never fully get over. Why inflict that on yourself? And why let others do that to you? Talking like a lady isn’t just about being nice and polite; it’s about confidence and compassion and telling the world you’re worthy of its respect. It’s not easy to talk like a lady, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying.