In honor of Valentine’s Day today, I’m going to pause for a moment of silence for all the sexually-frustrated singles out there.
So I figured instead of dwelling on my own non-existent love life, I’m going to project my pent-up anger onto something else. For those living under a rock, the highly-anticipated sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, came out in theaters last Friday and succeeded yet again in making audiences everywhere feel wildly uncomfortable. For a movie all about sex, Fifty Shades Darker proved to be the least sexy movie I’ve ever seen. Every scene had me squirming around in my seat. The relationship between Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is devoid of any sexual tension. Their chemistry is so unconvincing, I imagine that even Bill and Hillary have more oomph in the bedroom than them.
Fifty Shades Darker, like its prequel, includes countless cringeworthy sex scenes, cheap subplots, and mediocre acting. Hmm, if only there was a word for a film like that. Fifty Shades Darker is nothing but a highly-commercialized porno.
*Warning: spoilers ahead!*
The movie picks up where Fifty Shades of Grey left off. Anastasia Steele is single and working as an assistant at a book publishing firm in Seattle. Suddenly, her damaged, billionaire ex-boyfriend Christian Grey comes back into her life begging Ana for a second chance. Predictably, she agrees to rekindle their relationship, but asserts that it must be different this time around.
Christian showers Anastasia with expensive gifts and dinners, proving his commitment and willingness to change. But his old ways emerge when he surprisingly shows up to interrupt Ana and her creepy boss out for drinks. Christian explains, “He wants what’s mine.” So being the rich and controlling boyfriend he is, Christian buys Ana’s company to assert authority over her boss. This initially upsets Ana because she doesn’t want Christian meddling in her work life, but she gets over it, like she always does when he acts insane.
Christian takes Ana to a salon where we meet Elena Lincoln (Kim Basinger). Elena is Christian’s former lover and abuser and the woman who first introduced him to BDSM. I’m still unsure why Christian thought it was a good idea to introduce his current girlfriend and past abuser at a hair salon over a blowout, but anyway…..
So yeah, Ana is pretty pissed about this and grows even angrier when she discovers that Christian had hired private detectives to stalk her since the beginning of their relationship. Adding fuel to the fire, she finds out Christian hires detectives to investigate every potential submissive as well. In the midst of the argument, Christian tells Ana to come into the bedroom, and Ana replies, “Sex isn’t going to fix this right now. Are you insane?” But of course, like any strong-willed woman would, she ends up following him into the bedroom and they have sex. Ah yes, the smell of true romance.
Christian invites Ana to his parents’ masquerade ball. His wealth allows him to gather a myriad of black-tie dresses/lingerie/accessories for Ana. For a second, we feel overcome with jealousy because that’s literally the definition of relationship goals. But that moment of envy is quickly squandered when he insists that she put ben-wa balls up her… well you know what, I’ll let your imagination fill in the rest.
More sex ensues, and this time in Christian’s childhood bedroom while the party continues downstairs. And the spanking, oh please make it stop! Think about the children!
They go out for a romantic trip on Christian’s humongous boat, because that’s how every young couple spends their weekends. Finally, the Taylor Swift and Zayn song “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” comes on. This is probably the least cringeworthy scene of the whole movie– it’s visually pleasing, great music, and the only time the actors aren’t trying too hard.
Back at work, Ana’s creepy boss tells her she must accompany him on a business trip to New York. She tells Christian and he literally forbids it as if it’s the eighteenth century. So following his orders, Ana tells her boss she cannot go to New York. And then things take a turn for the worse. The boss ends up sexually assaulting Ana telling her, “I just think if you’re going to f**k your way to prominence you do it with someone who makes you smarter, not just richer.” Nice, smooth. That’s always the way to get a girl.
Christian has Ana’s boss fired, and she is coincidently promoted to take his spot as editor-in-chief. Is really no one going to question why he was fired and why Ana (a lowly assistant) is now in charge? Hey, I guess that’s a *perk of dating the rich and famous.*
Now a subplot that seemingly makes zero sense comes to a head. Let me give you some background. Christian had a former submissive named Leila who had a mental breakdown after he ended things years ago. She’s still mentally unstable and has been stalking Ana since the beginning of their relationship. Okay, so somehow, Leila breaks into Ana’s apartment, points a gun at her, and threatens to shoot. I know we’ve all been jealous of an ex before but c’mon Leila, chill with the dramatics. Of course, Christian barges in right in time to stop Leila and save Ana. He orders Ana to leave and meet him at his apartment.
Ana walks around Seattle in the rain like any sane person would after a traumatic experience. She doesn’t go to Christian’s apartment for a few hours and he’s pissed because he’s a psycho. The two argue, then Christian admits that he’s a sadist who likes to punish women who look like his dead mother. Christian has serious mommy issues.
After all that, Christian asks Ana to marry him. Hmm, good idea Ana. Marry the damaged, crazy, and controlling guy with severe emotional baggage. I see no problem here.
Christian tells Ana he has to take a short business trip. Side bar: what does Grey Enterprises even do? Do we ever know? Anyway, while traveling home, his helicopter malfunctions and starts falling out of the sky and crashes. Christian’s friends and family gather at his apartment and are horrified by news reports claiming he’s missing and presumed dead. I’m sorry did they seriously just kill off Christian Grey?
No, of course they didn’t. He walks into the apartment moments later practically unscathed. Everyone’s relieved and happy to see Christian alive, but shouldn’t they maybe alert the police to call off their search? Maybe call TV stations that are reporting that he’s dead and tell them he’s safe? I don’t know, but why is that no one’s first priority?
After this unnecessary chain of events, Ana accepts Christian’s proposal. They celebrate their engagement with some S&M in the infamous “Red Room of Pain” just like your everyday couple would. They publicly announce their engagement at Christian’s birthday party. Some shit goes down between Ana and Elena, and Ana throws her drink in Elena’s face and it’s actually pretty awesome. Kudos to you Ana.
The movie ends with an official marriage proposal with fireworks and flowers galore. So it seems that things are looking up for the star-crossed lovers! Oh wait, just kidding. Ana’s creepy boss is seen from afar plotting his revenge on Christian. Hmm, I guess we will have to wait another year for the next Fifty Shades installment to see what happens. The suspense is really keeping me on my toes….