Attention, all readers: there is a growing epidemic and it must be stopped. This epidemic I am referring to is not some seasonal flu. I’m referring to jorts. If you don’t know what the aforementioned piece of clothing is, then you are a lucky lady indeed. Jorts is a conjunction of the words jean and shorts. I’m not talking about the cute high-waisted kind you’d find in an up to date store, I’m talking about man jorts. Ripped, distressed, acid washed, dark wash, skinny; whichever way you wear them, they are the worst thing to happen to the world of fashion since the sweatshirts depicting cats playing with yarn on them.
Let me give you a little bit of background on jorts. If you’ve never seen someone sport the jort, I’ll paint a mental picture for you. Jorts are usually worn by Nascar watching, over-40 males. These males enjoy donning mullets, tattoo sleeves, timberland work boots with no socks, missing teeth, and in my most recent experience; free-balling it whilst smiling in their man jort oblivion. We must find a solution; it is crucial to restore the dignity of all mankind. How do we put a stop to this fashion faux pas you ask? There are a few things that I propose.
Number one: we must send out a public service announcement stating that if one more fashion forward woman has to view a mans thighs in those ever so terrible denim digs, she will be sent straight to a therapist.
Number two: we ban jorts from all stores. It has to be illegal to look that bad.
Number three: find the man whose idea it was to put jorts onto the fashion scene and analyze his mental state.
These men need to be stopped. Not only are they harming themselves by participating in this terrible trend, they are mentally scarring innocent bystanders by freely expressing their man jortness. So people, I am asking you to do yourself and the world a favor. Put an end to my woes. The next time you see a man sporting jorts, please for the love of the denim gods, stop him and politely ask him to tuck his hairy man thighs into a pair of jeans that reach his ankles.