Ahh Bloomington, Indiana: A school where everyone looks like they stepped right out of the pages of a J. Crew catalog. With such a plethora of men it’s impossible not to fall in love on your daily walk down 10th street. The men of IU have become our lovers, friends, and even our 3AM lover-friends. These Hoosier guys can be divided into distinct categories that makes separating the Kelley bros from the SPEA dudes that much easier for the naive freshman lady. Class of 2016 girls, we guarantee you’ll encounter each of these guys during your four (or five, or six, no judgements) years. These men will be the cause of your gresh gossip sessions, Pizza X tears, and Sunday morning walk of shames.
For the rest of us washed out college girls, we’ve experienced each of these guys time and time again. We have our own personal favorite from the list. These are the guys that still give us attention post freshman 15. The dudes who will send a pledge ride out for you in the wee hours of the morning. The men who share some of their Mad Mushroom cheesy bread with you (ultimate form of dedication). They are the guys that have for better or worse have shaped our college experience.
With that said, sit back, grab some franzia, and enjoy this examination of the 15,000 Hoosier boys we hate to love.
1. The First Semester Freshman– Lanyard? Check! Orientation fake Ray Bans? Check! Red drawstring backpack? Double Check! (This badass stole two at registration). The first semester freshman dude will attempt to keep you entertained with his stories of high school glory days, even though that was only four months ago. That time he won three games of BP at Danny Olson’s homecoming after party was one of the greatest accomplishments in his 18 years of life.
This guy will often discuss how “sick” his dorm room is in an attempt to lure you back. That old iHome and nauseating strobe light makes his room the hit of Mcnutt. Now we should give the freshman boys some credit, they have something that no other IU men have….meal points. That’s right, romance one of these youngins and you’ll be entitled to morning-after breakfast buddies and Pastabilities date nights.
2. The Bar Rat– His liver is barely holding on, his bank account is suffering academic probo is in near sight, but who cares because it’s TWO DOLLAR TUESDAY. This bro lives and dies for the bars. Expect to hear him chanting, “Roys, Roys, Roys” as early as Monday afternoon. Every bouncer from Dunnkirk to Sports has this guy’s Illinois license memorized. His talents include being able to name every flavor of Long Island Kilroy’s has to offer and eating Sport’s breadsticks by the pound. He may as well have his bar stamp tattooed on him. Shack with him and you’ll have access to every Roys t-shirt from November 2010 on. Turn 21 and this guy will be your go-to. Your relationships will be one giant party until you come to realize that he values his KOK sweatband more than your relationship.
3. The Frat Guy– This dude can pull of wearing shorts shorter than you. He owns 10 pairs of boat shoes even though there are no oceans in the Midwest. A scarcely washed jersey with fraternity XYZ cycling on it is the staple of his wardrobe. The day he traded his letterman jacket for Greek letters was the day his life changed. The fraternity bros make up 25% of the male population here at IU. They will account for a majority of your brain cell killing, Karkov infested nights.
These men live in mansions that are essentially built for reckless behavior. They have a vocabulary all of there own and a mutual love for Keystone, “Call Me Maybe,” and freshmen girls. Freshmen ladies, these will more than likely be the first boys to capture your heart. He mass texts you pledge ride numbers every Thursday night, you bring your dorm floor over to his frat basement, it’s truly a great relationship. Props to any Hooser lady that can tie one of these Polo’d out men down. Once they hit 21 these loveable guys wil often turn into the previously discussed “Bar Rats.”
4. The Activist– You fell in love the day he almost ran over you riding his bike through the arboretum. This life loving/people hating dude is on a mission to change the world in his years at IU. He’s so natural, he even drinks wheat beer. This boy’s drunk munchies drawer looks right out of Bloomingfoods. His great aunt’s neighbor went to Woodstock so he’s incredibly cultured. Added bonus, you’ve finally met someone that owns more pairs of TOMS than you! Eventually you’ll grow tired of all the granola and spending your paychecks at Farm. However, you’ll always remember the good times strolling through the farmer’s market together hungover.
5. The Grad Student- He’s just so… old. OK, he’s only 23 but he has like eight more semesters of wisdom than you. Consider this dude your Yoda. He will give you advice as he reminisces about the “undergrad” days. Your drunk pillow talks will consist of ideas for his thesis. He’s so mature; he drinks black coffee. The grad student can easily be spotted in dark clothing, roaming Starbucks, looking like he’s absolutely hating life.
His liquor cabinent goes above the bottom shelf poison we have grown to love. On weekends he can be found at exotic locations like Brothers, The Vid, and even House Bar. Truth be told the grad student could care less about our 20 year old selves, but we provide him entertainment and he provides us K201 help (chances are he was in AI). The relationship will eventually fade when he realizes the psychotic tendencies of an IU coed don’t align with what he’s looking for in a life partner.
So, there you have it my lovely Hoosier ladies: an examination of the boys that have accounted for our college love lives. And by love life we mean journey of alcohol-induced tears and tequila encouraged hookups. Love them or hate them, you can never leave them.