I have been told continuously over my life to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to be positive, or to be quiet. I’m tired of predators spotting my weaknesses or using my kind nature against me. Today, I won’t delve into the specifics of my assaults but just know that men have used me on more than one occasion to get to their desired ending.
Since starting college, I have also noticed that many of the women I meet have also experienced sexual-based trauma at the hands of men (and sometimes women). I really think that the biggest issue after dealing with any sort of trauma is the lack of understanding, which translates into victims feeling that it is necessary to shove down what happened to them and not speak about it at all. Nobody speaks about the after-effects; how feeling unsafe for even a few minutes or being violated for a short amount of time can affect you for months, years, or even the remainder of your life. My most recent assault lasted only a few minutes but it made me feel so unsafe for a very long time, and I ignored it.
I really did the worst thing I could do following an assault; I went back to the assault site the very next day and continued working there, acting as if nothing happened. I encountered it daily, and eventually, it leads to a breakdown. The first time I realized what I was doing to myself was when I experienced a panic attack a few months after the assault and blamed it on a respiratory infection; I couldn’t breathe (or thought I couldn’t) and I went to the hospital by ambulance. This was a scary experience coupled with being assaulted. The most important thing to remember is that I placed a really heavy burden on myself to be quiet about all of this, and act as if nothing happened.
We really do place stigmas on ourselves and on our mental health in fear that others will negatively judge us. It took me a very long time to process my assault because I absolutely did not want to tell anyone about it, and whenever I did, it was and is still very awkward for me.
Like what are we supposed to do after a sexual assault? There’s no right answer, there’s no straight path to redemption. It’s a process, which means it’s variable. Some never recover, while some process it in months, others it takes years.
I also watched a Ted Talk recently that spoke about sexual assault and the healing power of telling your story. A few lines Rena Romano said in the video stuck out to me; I will share them. At one point she said, “..staying quiet does not work” and it doesn’t. I used to hide my sexual assault stories for a very long time, and for most of my childhood, I did not speak much to others. Staying silent about trauma does not allow you to heal, and I realize now that my inability to breathe (at times) for example, is my mind trying to heal from my sexual assaults. She also spoke about how not sharing can negatively affect your mind, your body, everything. It will consume you, and even if you block it out, it will come back at some point. She also mentioned the “Praise Approach”, in which you should give positive/supportive feedback to those sharing their stories and that we should see our survival of these traumas as an accomplishment. We should continually congratulate ourselves for choosing to persevere even when these traumas won’t let us be.
To wrap this up, I’d like all victims of sexual assault/abuse to feel they have a safe place to share their story. I will leave my Instagram handle below and also my personal email if anyone needs to vent to someone who has shared a similar traumatic experience. Please be kind to yourself, we are all still healing.
Instagram: jasmine.lynnm
Email: morrowjasmine329@gmail.com