To All The Boys Who've Loved Me Before

Something about this semester is making me feel really reflective. After coming back from studying abroad in a big city where no one knows my name to my small-town school where my schedule just happens to align with everyone I don’t want to see, I’m really missing the anonymity.

While studying abroad I was dumped.

Out of the blue. Really painful and confusing. Totally a mess.

I got dumped for not trusting the person I love most in this world enough. But in reality, I trusted them with my whole heart and they were just not ready for it.

And after having an ocean of space to cry and make mistakes, I find myself back exactly where I was before--almost like I’m reliving the whole thing.

Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook memories certainly aren’t helping!!

“On this day he sent you flowers! On this day you went to a wedding! On this day he made you dinner!” ...and so on. Talk about annoying. And lowkey traumatic is there a way to turn those off???

I don’t want to remember any of the good parts of that relationship because it’s gone and it’s something that I will never get back. He doesn’t exist anymore.

But lately, it feels like all of my past relationships have been coming out of the woodwork to haunt me. They bring a new meaning to spooky season.

Officially they are called zombies. When an ex or past hookup ghosts you and then hits you up again out of nowhere and an extended period of time.

In my case, four years. 

My high school ex facebook messaged me out of the blue wanting to apologize for acting shitty once we had broken up. At first, I was receptive. I’d like to think that I believe in second chances and wanted to give that to him, who was honestly one of the people I hated most in this world.

And on some levels, it was really worth it. I had the chance to let go of some of the resentment I held (but hey not all of it, I’m a Taurus we’re stubborn as hell). But the more we talked, the more frustrated I got. I felt like he was constantly putting me in this box of who I was when we were together in high school and kept talking to me as if I was still that girl. 

News flash: I’m not.

That girl had her moments but she was shy, nervous and so unsure of herself and she definitely comes out when I’m uncomfortable but she really isn’t me anymore. I was so angry with him for talking to me like I was this weak little girl still and it made me think that he hadn’t changed at all. But in reality, I had changed too much, but in a good way. 

I’m confident, comfortable in my own skin, and I take charge. In fact, the majority of times when I’m uncomfortable are the times I am not in charge. 

Unfortunately, my high school ex is not the only one. Being back in my college town I get the pleasure of seeing past romantic partners and since fate is not on my side we run into each other ALL OF THE TIME. 

Running into each person feels like opening up a little time capsule of the person I was and a reminder of how much I’ve moved forward. And sometimes that’s a good thing. But sometimes it’s a little painful. 

 

But to all the boys who’ve loved me before:

I’m a completely different person now & you missed your chance.