Perfectionism is defined as the pursuit of flawless performance and unrealistically high standards for oneself or others. I’ve struggled with perfectionism for my entire life. I always wanted to get the highest grade or win at any competition. I especially didn’t want to make any mistakes because I would feel super embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I always put immense pressure on myself to be perfect, almost to an impossible level. As I’ve grown, I’ve realized that perfection is an unobtainable goal. There isn’t a world in which I can achieve a goal without making mistakes. I had to rewire my brain to recognize that mistakes aren’t failures, they are tools to learn from!
As a child I remember feeling pits in my stomach before a spelling test or sporting event. I would get so overwhelmed and worked up thinking about all the ways I could fail or make a fool of myself in front of others. Looking back, I wonder why I felt that way. I never had any outside pressure put onto me, and my parents always instilled in me that I should just try my best. I think a lot of it stemmed from being the oldest child in my family and the oldest grandchild. I felt like I had to be an example, but now I realize that making mistakes is part of life. I’ve learned so much more from my mistakes than I would have without them. We are so caught up in our day-to-day lives and going through the motions that errors feel like set backs, and they might be, but I think that they make us reflect and really look inward. The best versions of ourselves come from determination, and we wouldn’t have determination without mistakes.
In high school, my perfectionism started to calm down. I didn’t sweat it when getting lower than 100% on the test, but I still felt like I needed to prove myself. I didn’t like to compare scores or grades with others because I would be so embarrassed if I did poorly compared to my friends. I didn’t want to risk making mistakes at all, so I didn’t try anything new. Reflecting now, I think that growing up in a small town didn’t help these feelings. Eyes were always on everyone, and I felt like I was in the spotlight whenever something would go wrong.
Now, in college, I feel a lot more confident and free in a sense. I don’t ever worry about the letter grade associated with an assignment or test. I’m more focused on how well I understand the material, and if I can apply it to my future. Also, I’m trying to expose myself to things where I might fail. I’ve come to realize that being embarrassed isn’t a bad feeling. Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and realize that you might just be bad at something, and that’s okay. I never aim for perfection any more, only satisfaction with myself.
