I don’t think I see the world as it is. I see it as I am. My perception of everything around me shifts with my moods in a way I can’t control, no matter how aware of it I am. When I am doing well, I view the world as lighter and more hopeful, like things are unfolding the way they are supposed to. But when I’m not, the same world turns heavy, as if everything has quietly gone wrong beneath the surface. Logically, I know the world didn’t drastically change like that, but that doesn’t make the feeling any less real. When you feel things deeply, the line between what is and what it feels like will start to blur.
Emotional Illusion
A happy day exposes a world of possibility. Everything is brighter, more open and I find myself with the best of luck. Small things fall into place, conversations flow easy, and even the ordinary carries a sense of promise. I see it all as limitless and that wonderful feeling starts to feel natural, as if the warmth of the world is drawn to my euphoria. I notice more of what good surrounds me, like all of beauty I missed before and it feels almost intentional. It seems like life almost favors me in a way. The ecstatic feeling I have turns into this sense that things are working out because of me, that life is responding to how I feel. It feels so right, so whole, that it’s easy to forget I am just passing through the world.
The weight of the world
A sudden shift will hit me across the face and then the world tilts under a weight I can’t contain. This emotion quickly pulls a heaviness down the my chest and everything around me takes on a harsher edge. Everything starts to feel bleak, distant and strangely lifeless. It seems as if my dejection carries a gravity of its own. The thought that my feelings are what shapes life in it’s entirety is now a heavy weight on my back, and one that I cannot lift. Its as if by not being able to be positive, I am ruining the world and the more I think that, the heavier the world becomes. I know that somewhere beneath it all, this weight exists only in my perception and not in the world.
See it, Feel it, Understand it
I get so consumed by how the world feels through the lens of my emotions, and I forget to step back. The world is so much bigger than it feels and its moving on its own course, indifferent to the rise and fall of what I carry inside. My exuberance and misery don’t define it and recognizing that is strangely freeing. I can feel the brilliance of the good days, the weight of the bad ones, and still know that neither defines the world. I can step back, see it all, and understand that I am small, and in that smallness, there is freedom. A quiet permission to simply exist without needed everything to mean so much.