Being a student with chronic illness means learning how to exist in two rhythms at once. The rhythm of the world around me is steady. Deadlines come when they are supposed to and classes keep moving whether I am ready or not. Everything continues at the same speed even when I need to slow down. Then there’s the rhythm of my body, which seems to move in waves. Some days are more generous, I have enough energy to get through the day and feel like myself. I can keep up with my work and sometimes even get ahead. Other days feel completely different. The energy is gone without warning and even the simplest things take the most effort.
Planning for Uncertainty
I cannot rely on having the same energy everyday so I need to plan accordingly. Its important I plan ahead in a way that leaves room for change. This is going to be different for everyone, but how I do this is by putting my assignments on my calendar, not on the due dates but for 1-3 days beforehand. It gives me space for days that I don’t feel well or need a break. I try to be intentional with how I spread things out. I focus on setting more of my assignments on days I have less to do, which helps me because it breaks down my work into manageable amounts. Seeing 2 assignments in a day seems more possible than seeing an overwhelming 12 things due on the same day. The way I plan is meant to be fluid, so I can work with my motivation instead of against it.
Catching the Moment
Waking up with energy is not as uncommon for me as it might seem. I wake up feeling spirited, but that is only a small relief. The uncertainty with me lies in when this energy fades. On some days, the motivation goes by early morning and leaves me to deal with fatigue. A day only feels high energy when that spirit lasts me into the evening, when I can move through the day like how everyone else seems to. I used to think that if I had a day like that, I had to spend it getting ahead. Many also assume the same. I have learned that making the most of it does not mean pushing myself and that I do not have to focus on “being productive”. That’s why planning for uncertainty is important to me: as long as I do what I had planned, I am ahead. So instead of doing extra work, I focus on doing what feels fulfilling.
More than Productivity
Having energy that depletes after my academic work, its important to prioritize my needs when I can. I do what makes me feel good. Being outdoors in any capacity is one of my favorite things, but I typically don’t. So when I’m having a good day, I focus on spending time outside, usually on a walk. I try to pamper myself through a face mask or just taking time to relax. Things that seem simple can make the biggest difference in how I feel when done with intention. Motivation, I’ve realized, is not about doing the most I can. I instead make it about doing what matters to me and prioritizing self-care.