Girlhood, Interrupted: Saying Goodbye to My Younger Self

I’m turning 20 next week, and even though it doesn’t feel like I’m getting older, I’m finally saying goodbye to my teenage years and turning a new chapter towards adulthood. When I was 12, I was excited to finally become a teenager in a few months, but now, growing up seems to loom over me. It’s bittersweet, but there’s also something beautiful about transitioning from girlhood to womanhood. 

Some ways that I’m paying homage to my younger self is by continuing traditions that I had when I was little. I still wear my hair in space buns because I love how it looks, I make sure that all of my stuffed animals don’t fall off my bed when I sleep, I even have Barbie movie marathons with my younger sister at least once every year. I still have a few stuffed animals that I’ve had since I was two years old, and they will always have a special place in my heart because of the memories they’re filled with. There are still some parts of my girlhood that will stick with me no matter how old I am, and I love being able to look back at my childhood fondly.

But as much as I want to stay the same little girl that my dad refuses to believe is growing up, there are some pieces of me that I have to keep as a memory, not a reality. I will never live in the same house as my sister again, no more mommy-and-me activities at school. I’ve donated my Polly Pockets, given my Disney princess books to my younger family members, and painted my room white instead of the light green that it was for over 14 years. I allow myself to grieve over the girl I used to be, but these are also the aspects of my life that have shaped me to be the person I am today.

I’ve learned that pieces of girlhood do translate to womanhood, just in different forms. Talking to girls in bar bathrooms instead of the school bathrooms, bonding over pieces of jewelry that you like on someone instead of complimenting a toy you want. So I suppose I can never really say goodbye to girlhood but appreciate how it matures within me and other women. Being a girl is already a special bond that I share with a lot of my friends and family, and that’s not something I will lose just because I’m finally not a teenager. Growing up with a lot of strong female figures in my life showed me that being a woman is a beautiful thing, so I thank my mom, aunt and grandma for raising me. 

At the end of the day, I shouldn’t be scared to grow up because I’m not going to lose pieces of myself, I’m just older. It’s nice being able to express my femininity and go through new experiences with my sister since we’re only two years apart. I might not always be my parents’ little girl, but I hope that womanhood will turn me into their strong and confident daughter.