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Laying Down the Law: If I Were Running for Office

When life gives you lemons, paint a flag on it,
throw it at your next door neighbor and yell ‘MERICA!

I wanted to start this blog off with some excerpt from what I THOUGHT I remembered was a poem by Shel Silverstien called “If I Were in Charge of the World”. But then I realized that that was actually just a poem I wrote in the 4th grade explaining how I wanted all water fountains to be changed to chocolate milk fountains so I didn’t. But that would be pretty great wouldn’t it? If Lawler Baller was in charge of the world? Just think about how many National Cute Puppy days would be implemented and how completely illegal scary movies would be. It’d be great. But as my 4th grade teacher so rudely told me, apparently you’re not allowed to just “declare” yourself “in charge of the world” but you’re also apparently not “allowed” to “steal your classmates Lisa Frank pencil sharper and claim it as your own” so she obviously didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. But realistically, if I do want to be in charge of the world my only option would be to run for president. I mean if I can handle being a white rapper for a day, I am pretty sure I can handle being the president for four years, right?

You can just imagine it now – Lawler Baller standing behind a podium, wearing an ill-fitting pantsuit, a hot pink banner behind me reading “Vote For Megan, Because She Is Really Pretty and Likes to Have Fun and Can Eat an Entire Box of Graham Crackers in One Sitting”. I’d make a speech something along the lines of the “Thumbs Up for Rock and Roll” kids speech (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaIvk1cSyG8). Then Beyonce would come out, tell the audience how all along I’VE actually been HER role model, and then she would perform “Imma Diva” (my official campaign song). As far as my campaign strategy goes? The first stop on the campaign trail would be straight to Ryan Goslings house. I’d walk into his home, have my private security follow behind me so I look like I have a super cool posse, throw him some pick up line like “Once I become elected, you’re gonna be the first bill I pass,” give him a wink and walk out. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. Then my next stop would be Montana, because I’ve never been there and I heard it’s beautiful. And after that, it’s down to business. I’m going to stop in all of the swing states and hug every single citizen who lives there. Because if you’ve ever been bear hugged by me you would know that they are just FABULOUS and no one could say no to voting for me once they’ve experienced the Lawler embrace. Then I’m going to kiss some babies heads, cut a few ribbons with some overwhelmingly large scissors, steal those overwhelmingly large scissors because I’ve always wanted a pair, and call it a day. That’s all it takes, right?

No, that’s not all it takes. I’ve almost forgotten the most important part of running for president: the poorly written, cheaply made political commercials that stream through the television airwaves in October thicker that strands of cocaine in Lindsey Lohans blood stream after a Saturday night on the Strip. But mine would be far better than any normal, political ad that you’ve ever seen before though. Why? Because it would feature me and I’m like, thirty times prettier than any of the other candidates who have ever ran for president (sorry, Hillary.) And also because all they would simply be is a slideshow of pictures of me holding up baby animals (preferably baby pandas and monkeys) while the song “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi plays in the background. The ending would be me yelling “DANCE PARTYYYYY!” and techno music comes on, the words “VOTE FOR MEGAN” flash on and off the screen and in the corner there is a little clip of me booty shaking. It’s flawless and perfect and you all are going to be so jealous once it finally gets into production.

My strategy as President once I win the election? It’d be the exact strategy I use to run my own personal life now. Every time I have to vote on a bill involving the economy, war, computers or yard work I would just call my dad and ask him how I should vote. Every time I have to vote on a bill having to do with healthcare, education, cooking or laundry I would just call my mom and ask her. Then every time I have to vote on a bill having to do with putting a younger sibling in a Full Nelson, I’d just call my older brothers to get their opinion. So pretty much it would a Lawler family affair in the white house, my cabinet being made up strictly of my immediate family and Christian Bale (he’s just for eye candy though).

As president I would only use Twitter as my source of current events. Not only that but I would ban everyone else, including CSPAN and Fox News, to even continue to report on news. The only people that would be allowed to report on current events would be the people on Twitter who have “mirror pics” as their avatar. That way we would only get the most important and pressing issues brought to our attention, such as if Tyler is working on his biceps or his calves today or how Kristy can’t believe it’s ONLY Tuesday. See how much I am bettering society already?

But realistically, the only person I would ever truly want to be in charge of the world, or even just America for that matter is my grandfather, PJ Lawler. He fixed his lawn mower with only duct tape and a beer can and he still checks out books about World War II from his public library. He was the first original Lawler Baller and is the only man great enough to ever deserve the title of Leader of the Free World. Sorry Mitt and Barack, you guys look great in suits and all but my grandfather has a casino-cards patterned shirt he wears every week to his poker club that he can pull it off ten times better than you boys ever could, so I think the competition is over. Even with my campaign strategy of bear hugs and great commercials, I wouldn’t stand a chance against my grandpas charisma and smile. So with that being said, here is a toast to the greatest man that ever hypothetically beat out Mitt, Barack and myself for President of the United States: TO PJ LAWLER! *glasses clink, hugs are exchanged, everyone is happy*

Stay crazy my loyal followers,
Lawler Baller

P.S. if that picture is anywhere NEAR what I would look with that haircut then you can damn well count me out of the pixie cut trend.

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Megan Lawler

Illinois State

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