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Laying Down the Law: Fresh Meat

Fresh Meat.

As you might have read in my last blog post, I have perfected the skill of heckling tour groups who unknowingly fall into my path on the ISU quad. And let me tell you, the only thing I find more entertaining than heckling tour groups is heckling those who I like to call, the Fresh Meat. Fresh Meat is another name for the ISU Freshman, underclass man and newbies (n00bs). They are a very peculiar type of creature and in this blog post I have graciously offered you all my wisdom on which I have acquired about this plentiful species.

With the help of my never-fail guide of what to look for, it is easy to spot any of these Fresh Meat creatures loitering around campus. First, you can sniff them out by following the scent of over-eagerness mixed with a hint of the Watterson Nacho Bar. They will undoubtedly be sporting the bright red “Hardly Normal” t-shirt that they received when they bought the overpriced RedAlert sporting package which they will probably never put to use. They will be noticeably skinner than any upperclassmen walking around them, since they have yet to find the glory of late night Gumbys Pokey Stix or a DP Dough Calzone. They will start calling people they have known for the duration of 2 weeks their “besties for the resties”. And this is just the start of it….

On the weekends you can find them walking aimlessly around campus in a group of no less than 6 or more, hoping to score a $5 cup at a random apartment keg where they know no one. They will take an ungodly amount of pictures out at parties to post on Facebook so they can make all their high school acquaintances think that they are the hottest freshman to ever set foot on campus. And with this “want-to-be-cool” mindset and having no regards to future employers who will be looking at their Facebook in a few short years, alcohol bottles and beer cans are a MUST for these photos.

In class, if you end up being stuck sitting in front of a pair of Fresh Meat hooligans you might observe them saying things such as ““hey, you going to Up Late at State tonight?” or “who’s this Al Bowman guy?” (<-and you can punch them in the face for that comment, disrespecting Al like that HOW DARE THEY). And as far as the Fresh Meat ladies go, three weeks after classes have started they are the only ones who will still be wearing sundresses and clubbing tops to class because those poor babies are still under the impression that anyone even cares. Since we are now three weeks into classes I was going to go onto the quad today and take pictures of these ladies as proof, but I found I had prior engagements (napping my brains out). When eating at the dining center they must go with, what can only logically be by the looks of it, every single person who lives on their floor. Fresh Meat conversations during these dining center meals can range from how great the grilled cheeses are (they will get sick of them, I promise) to how cool their RA is (again I promise, he’s not).

If you have the misfortune of being like yours truly, and find yourself finishing your last GenEd requirement of Experiencing Theatre as a Junior surrounded in a class of 100+ Freshman, than you might just want to go ahead and kill yourself now because there is no way you are going to survive. And upperclassman ladies, I just want to warn you that now if you hook-up with a rando there is a 50% chance that he will be younger than you. Meaning you could be walking back from a party and he drops the bomb of, oh yeah by the way, you will be shacking at WATTY tonight. Have fun with that walk of shame, girlfriend.

But in all honesty, I am jealous of these little turds. They have the best four years of their life ahead of them and they hardly even know it yet. Sometimes I will pass by them in line at CVS or getting books at The Alamo and feel like a proud mama. These babies are the future of ISU, the ones who will carry on the legacy of laziness and (maybe) alcoholism that has come to represent “college.” They are the ones who will teach future generations of students how to properly jaywalk across College St. without getting a ticket or how to finish your assignment on ReggieNet fast enough so you can go shotgun a beer with your friends on a Tuesday afternoon. To think that these little ones hardly even know what Pub Wednesday is or have yet to experience the scumminess of Chasers, brings a tear to my eye. They have so much potential and part of me can’t wait to see the great Redbird legacy they carry on. But the better part of me just really wants to push them to the ground and tell them to give me their lunch money.

Stay crazy my loyal readers,
Lawler Baller

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Megan Lawler

Illinois State

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