Ladies: while cuffing season may be slowly coming to a close, it’s possible that some of us have found ourselves still committed to the entanglements – I mean, the relationships that have come out of it. Whether you’re enjoying those candlelit dinner dates on Zoom, or basking in the state of being single, it’s important to know the difference between two concepts that have different implications on the success of your relationships: deal breakers and matchmakers.
You’ve probably spent a long time compiling your list of requirements for ‘the one’. You pray about these must-haves. You manifest them, and put yourself in positions to come into contact with people who embody them. In her book, “The Defining Decade” , clinical psychologist, professor and author Meg Jay explains why, more often than not, these are the dealbreakers, not matchmakers, for a relationship.
“Deal breakers are your own personal sine qua non in relationships,” she says. “They are qualities, almost always similarities- you feel are non negotiable. The absence of these similarities allows you to weed out people with whom you have fundamental differences.”
You’re not wrong to want to be in a relationship with somebody who shares similar religious or political views. As a matter of fact, research has shown that couples who are similar tend to stay together.
However, there’s a difference between two people being alike and actually liking each other.
“Our similarities may bring us together, but they don’t necessarily make us happy,” Jay says. “The deal breakers – hobbies, religion, politics, and other similarities, while convenient, may not actually make us happy.”
This is where matchmakers come in, and one of the most important determining factors for a match is personality. You could be with somebody who has all the same interests as you do, yet doesn’t understand different facets of your personality and what makes you so quintessentially you.
Think about it this way: how much will the fact that you’re both academic geniuses matter if you’re the type of person who is always open to new experiences and adventurous, but your partner happens to be conventional and routine? What’s the value in you both being politically liberal if you’re spontaneous and easygoing, but they’re rigid and regimented? We have to realise that it’s more about how you exist in the world, not what you do or what you like. This isn’t to say that your personalities have to be the same; rather, they should complement each other.
When two people get together, there will naturally be differences of some kind, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Online dating platforms, though, have encouraged us to avoid risk by endlessly swiping until we find someone who is as similar as possible to us. According to French philosopher Alain Badiou, this can be problematic.
“I think that goes against the very definition of love. Because it means there’s no element of adventure, no risks are taken.. mutual satisfaction has to be guaranteed, like some kind of business contract and that I think is a serious threat to love,” he says.
When we limit the chance for a real connection by imposing strict deal breakers on a prospective match, we run the true risk of ending up with someone who just isn’t right for us.
So the next time you find yourself measuring someone against your list of non-negotiables, try to find some balance and consider, too, the behaviours, intentions and principles that guide them in their daily life.