Every story you ever read on social media is based on how a brave girl stands up against her attacker, her campus, or the court. What about those “victims” who decide to not speak up? Does that make them less brave? Well I don’t know, and I will never know.
Every story is different, and every story has a beginning and an end. All I know is that if you’re stubborn like me, you will be able to relate. I never made myself a victim of this event or admitted the fact that I lost the power of what I wanted to do with my body. If you are stubborn and over-controlling like me, you will understand why denial seemed like the only option there was.
The statistics of how many sexual assaults get reported vs. those that don’t get reported are high, but honestly, I don’t care. It’s always that low percentage that speaks up and that high percentage that gets absurdly underestimated and judged on how “we don’t take action and it could happen to someone else” or “it’s on you if this guy does it again.” All we hear is: “He needs to pay,” “I don’t understand why you’re protecting him,” and “It’s okay to be afraid, he won’t be able to hurt you ever again if you report him.”
It’s not about fear or about protecting anyone. It’s about having hope for forgiveness and having hope for good human intention. As some sexual assault statistics prove, the highest percentage of attackers are someone the victim knows. In my case, it was someone that I really cared about and had feelings for. Someone I trusted and shared the silliest stories of my week with. It was done by someone who came to me to talk about his friends’ and family’s drama. It was done by someone I used to get annoyed at so easily with because of how much I cared. It was done by someone who betrayed the trust that took me so long to build.
To the guy that assaulted me: I underestimated the extent of the story until I shared it and received various reactions from my audience. The worst part of telling the story, again, is that I can’t change anything that happened, and you can’t take back your actions and change the ending. Coming to peace with the terms of the event actually really sucked.
I guess it makes sense for you to get defensive about the story. See, the thing is, you never heard it. You were too much of a coward to listen to it. I remember clearly when you told me, “I don’t remember any of this, but it was never my intention to make you feel uncomfortable and not having sex was never a problem for me.” Well, now we know it was, or else we wouldn’t be here, would we?
To the guy that assaulted me: you took the independence I had, the self-esteem and every part of me that made me, me. You took my sleep, my good mood, and even my power to go the dining hall by myself. You gave me a fear I never experienced before. You took away the liberty of being able to go to the gym by myself. You took the confidence and self-control that I had in going out with my friends and having fun. You took away the comfortability I had around other guys. You also took my attention from my classes, the trust that I had for others, and the comfort that I use to have in my own skin. In conclusion, you took my sanity and my dignity.
What you took from me made me put a Scarlet Letter on myself since I felt ashamed and disgusted by myself. I thought I was not good enough for anything or anyone. Every plan or hope I had, seemed impossible, and I felt hopeless. The people around me saw me fall every step of the way until I broke. I was so close to running away and giving up, but thanks to those who didn’t give up on me, I was able to stand up and realize it wasn’t over.
You owe me, because I’m able to think about forgiveness and about letting you know that I believe you are truly a good person. I have faith in you, to know you are going to become a great husband or partner one day. I have faith that it was just a moment of bad decision-making and not paying attention to when I was telling you to stop.
I honestly think, and hope, I am right about the decision I made by not doing the “right thing” and reporting you. I believe you meant no evil that night. I also believe your life would have been completely ruined if I brought this to court, because I know damn well I would have won the case. Every mistake has a consequence, and many believe you should pay for the “mistake” you made. I have enough faith to give you a freebie, because this would have followed you for the rest of your life. So, you’re welcome.
To the guy who raped me: you’re welcome for giving you a second chance to not fuck up, especially to those girls that will care for you and appreciate you like I did. You’re welcome for not making your parents find out about the big mistake you’ve made and thus have them be disappointed in you and themselves. You’re welcome for showing you what could happen when things get messy and for helping you to realize that you need to take care of your sister and your loved ones. You’re also very welcome for me not making this public and keeping it anonymous, so your friends don’t think differently of you. This is your second chance; I knew I had the power to make you pay for what you did, but I let it go. You’re welcome. You’re welcome, because I’m also showing you how forgiveness works, and I’m showing you that forgiveness does exist. You may need a reminder of this in the future.
P.S. To all girls who have been victims of sexual assault: it is going to get worse before it gets better. It will come back to haunt you in the most unexpected moments and especially, during the moments when you are trying to move on. You can’t let go until you forgive yourself and shed any blame you might place on yourself. You have to find the strength in you to keep on going and to not run away. Eventually, you are going to realize that you will be running away from yourself, not anyone else. If you’re stubborn like me, you will know how hard it is to admit that you need help, that you need support, and that you can’t do this alone. If you are a stubborn human being, you will know how challenging it is to go through the healing process, because it takes every single piece of fight that is left in you. In cloudy days, remind yourself that every storm runs out of rain: Every. Single. One. Get closer to God, go to therapy, start a new hobby, write a book, and do those silly things that you think are worthless and meaningless, because I promise you, as a broken, stubborn woman, I know they help.
It’s not only about a bad sexual experience. It’s also about all the other ways in which you and your life are affected. The pity you feel people are going to have towards you if you tell them. The fear that people will look at you with the same disgust that you look at yourself with. You think everyone around you could potentially violate the trust you have with him or her. Some might not understand why you are defensive and distant, but it’s okay, it truly is. Not everyone will understand every trigger that’s going to make you want to fall off the face of the Earth and that’s okay.
In these moments, you also find out who your real friend are. If you are a stubborn person like me, you will know you are ashamed of sharing your story and thus find it really hard to open up and reach out for help. You will think you can handle it on your own, and you might be able to, but I can tell you it’s hell doing it without people that care about you. During these times you discover who in your life is meant to stay, because some might walk away, and you can’t blame them since it’s not their battle to fight. Some might diminish the events or even worse, some might laugh at you and make you feel like it’s your fault. Some might rub it in your face how they lost their virginity before they came to college. because they “wanted to get it over with” and didn’t want to give it up to a stranger or have something like this happen to them. Some might see you as being something that just needs to be fixed. The best and hardest part of this is letting the ones that stay there with you also help you. You will be able to trust these people, message them every single minute of the day, text them when you’re having a breakdown, and count on them to make you laugh and feel better. These are the people that see how much value you have, and even if you can’t see this value in you, trust them.
One more thing, don’t lose faith in relationships. The world revolves around sex. We are still humans, and we are still sexual beings. This experience should not take that natural instinct away from you forever. Just because this happened doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist or that sex is not pleasurable. Hopefully, you will be able to find it in you to be able to love and have pleasurable sex, just like everyone else. This doesn’t make you less of a woman. This doesn’t make you less of a human. Forgive yourself, don’t let this define you. Start to live again.