British Vogue author Chanté Joseph recently released an article proposing the scathing verdict: is having a boyfriend embarrassing?
This article has taken the social media world by storm: single women everywhere are feeling triumphant and validated-at last, a large insecurity of many-being single-is being lauded. However, many women with boyfriends are in defensive uproar-how is being in love embarrassing? You don’t know my relationship-my boyfriend is the best! I thought, as a newly single woman, processing many feelings about my singlehood, I would dissect this issue.Â
Firstly, we have to consider-why has having a boyfriend historically been valued so much? In bygone days, having a partner was a symbol of stability-you were set, your circumstances had been arranged. You could stop searching. Today, however, a public romantic partnership is not the binding social statement it once was. People have been married for decades and divorced, their massively public relationships over in a second-no matter how many children are a product of the relationship, or how many resources, both material and emotional, have been poured into the partnership. Let’s examine from an evolutionary standpoint: psychology states that women are more selective and cautious in mate selection because they have more at stake in terms of biological investment. Possible conception of a child results in a 9 month pregnancy for the woman, as well as historically greater childcare responsibilities. Men have a biologically lower stake in relationships-once the initial sexual contact has concluded, their role in the conception ends.Â
Beyond a biological standpoint, women are typically more selective in their romantic investments because of the social tone they are met with. Women are called everything in the book-sluts, easy, pathetic, desperate, too much, too little-based on the choices they make in relationships. The quality and success of the relationship is pinned on what the woman does-the dynamic she creates, how she presents herself, etc. Men are held to much lower standards of investment and commitment in the relationship, and are applauded for doing the bare minimum of what their girlfriends or wives do every day.Â
But why are we shaming women for loving, many have responded to Joseph’s critique? The answer to that is the sad reality: our society has placed women under such a critical microscope that every action they take feels as if it is being shamed. Joseph’s point isn’t that relationships are weird and that women are silly and less than for loving-it is quite the opposite. The love which women pour so beautifully into friendships and relationships is so sacred-but too often, it gets poured into undeserving vessels, rather than the most important one: ourselves. Oftentimes, women have little to show for this pouring, because the social benefits of having a boyfriend have disappeared. Let’s be frank: the majority of men don’t buy flowers, hold doors, pay for meals, etc. At the risk of sounding bitter, I remarked to my mom a few days ago that there was nothing a guy had ever given me that I couldn’t give myself. Love with an equal partner-in terms of interest, commitment, effort, and emotional investment-can certainly be a beautiful, enriching experience. However, I feel so many women accept partnerships that are not of this nature simply to be loved. I see their neglect of self-nurture chip away at aspects of themselves they once cultivated so deeply.Â
Where do we go from here, ladies? After much reflection and thought, here is my recommendation: you don’t have to kill the lover girl inside you-in fact, expand her. Be a lover girl for yourself, your passions, your goals, all your quirks and flaws-until a man actually adds something positive to your life that you cannot create yourself.