Women have always had an unfair disadvantage when it comes to friendships. We are always blamed for being catty and drama fueled. However, almost all of us have met at least one person who brought us down, who made us feel lesser, who was just overall toxic.
It’s hard to see the signs of toxicity when you’re blinded by—what you believe is—a friendship. It happened to me. After growing up with a high school full of girls who were just flat-out mean, I didn’t know what it meant to have a real female friend. So when I thought I had finally found one, I had no idea that her behaviors were toxic.
Coming out of that friendship I understand and can see the warning signs now. Looking back it seems almost obvious. Here are four warning signs that can point out a toxic friend.
- They never accept fault for their actions
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We all make mistakes. This is a given. We as humans are flawed and will never be perfect. Yet it is how we accept and handle our mistakes that determines who we are. If you have someone in your life who never accepts fault for their actions, who never fesses up to their mistakes, it could be a sign that they’re toxic.
The most toxic friendship I was in ended because the other person could not see that their actions were wrong and that they hurt me. It wasn’t their “intention” to do so. Thus they did not need to accept fault for hurting me.
- They blame you for everything
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Any relationship has two sides, and any relationship that’s one-sided is unhealthy to begin with. Whatever happens, whether it be good or bad, both sides of the relationship need to take responsibility. If someone in your life is blaming you for every little thing that goes wrong—any quarrel, any events, any minuscule detail of everyday life—this could be a sign that they’re toxic.
This friend I had blamed me for our relationship going south. Instead of recognizing that we may both have made mistakes, they acted as if I were the only person who had done anything wrong, This put me in the most horrible situation, and I felt horrible about myself until I realized that both parties had committed fouls.
- “Well I never asked you to do that for me!”
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Every single relationship is about give and take. From friendships to romantic relationships, there is give and take. To be a good friend you shouldn’t have to be asked to support the other person. It’s something you naturally do. If they make comments like this, it could be a sign that they’re toxic.
This one friend I had was in a tough situation. I went out of my way to be there and to do what I could. After the friendship was over, they told everyone that they hadn’t asked for my help. They didn’t want me to be there for them.
- Your feelings don’t matter
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Part of the give and take of any relationship is supporting each other through emotionally difficult times. It’s important to have each other’s backs when times get tough. If you have someone in your life who cannot do that, it could be another sign that they’re toxic.
I had a very close friend who once told me that they couldn’t be there for me because I was a “burden,” and they too had things going on in their life. This left me feeling alone and abandoned. It was like I didn’t matter. They could only be my friend if things were going how they wanted them to.
Friendships can be hard to navigate— no relationship ever comes easy, but you should never ever put yourself in a relationship that is toxic to you and your wellbeing. You should never compromise yourself for others.
Self love isn’t just face masks and bubble baths. It’s deleting negativity from your life and doing what is best for you. It’s dedicating yourself to the people that matter. Always remember: those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.