Going home for Christmas is a strange thing. Sitting on the plane and being excited about seeing your family and friends again makes you realize that you have been gone far longer than you thought. The strange thing happens when you are home, having seen everyone, slept in your old bed, and eaten your mum’s food. It’s that creeping feeling that you are slowly starting to miss home. Which cannot be, because you are home. You are where you grew up, where your family is and where you know exactly who you are. In other words, you are at home so how can it be that you are still missing another home?
This is what happened to me. While walking through my old streets and enjoying the winter sun, I was thinking of Helsinki and suddenly remembered the snow and coldness. It made me think about the meaning of home and belonging, because I have always known where I belonged until I moved away. And now I needed to ask myself: where do I belong? Here, where I grew up, or there, where I started a new part of my life? One scary answer I thought of was that this could also mean that I do not belong anywhere anymore, neither here nor there.
However, as soon as I was with my old friends, sitting in that restaurant we have gone to for every anniversary, reunion and celebration, it felt as if I have never been away at all; as if none of us has moved away to start a new chapter of our lives somewhere else. I did not think of Helsinki’s snowy streets, because I felt at home right then and there. Everyone of us has started to build a new life somewhere else, started to belong somewhere else, but at the same time we still belonged together in our small group during that moment.
At the same time, when I landed back in Helsinki and saw the people I have met here again, it did not feel as if anything was missing. Being kicked out of the tram, because we still do not speak Finnish and could, therefore, not understand the conductor’s announcement that the tram ended at this station or playing Jenga with friends, felt just as right as laughing with my old friends at that restaurant.
This made me believe that we will always leave bits and pieces of ourselves somewhere, but this does not mean that we never belong fully. They say that home is a feeling and that it is where your heart is, and leaving pieces of your heart with different people at different places does not change this. It is not neither here nor there, because it is here and there! We do not have to choose where our home is as it does not have to be a single place.
That is why I can proudly say that I have gone home for the holidays, but at the same time came back home to Helsinki afterwards.