I can’t precisely recall when I started to embrace the label ‘feminist’ but I sure remember avoiding it for most of my teenage years. At the same time, I did believe in the equality between sexes, and recognized the fact that not everyone is born, or better yet, not everyone will become a woman. So, even though I identified myself with the views advocated by feminists, I still tried to detach myself from the exact word – in my mind being a feminist, and femininity itself, was a burden, a competition, a clump of restrictions and everlasting cannots and should-nots.
I was so full of internalised misogyny when I was younger that I’m not sure whether it’s comic or tragic. I’m positive that this is a surprisingly universal feeling among the majority of young girls, seeing as we are from our earliest days exposed to objectification and pitted against each other. I remember disliking the ‘popular pretty girls’, and I was so insecure and insensitive that I actually said on more than one occasion that I was “not like the other girls”. I also remember feeling the utmost pride after declaring that. At the time I believed that I was competing against other girls. I did not know what for or what the end game was, but it didn’t seem to matter to me.
The representation of women across the media is blatantly narrow, and the case is even worse for the LGBTQ+ community and women of color. The widely accepted presentation of gender as naturally dual leads to overly emphasizing and even making up differences between men and women. This contributes to the rigid conceptions we have about gender which results in plain narrow-mindedness. Traditionally, women aren’t offered that many positive role models. There are these universal archetypes for women and if we don’t meet the expectations we are deemed as less of a woman. Young girls grow up and they see on screen women as objects and trophies, waiting to be reclaimed and conquered. What they see are stereotypes derived from the sum of their genitalia, hormones and overall appearance.
It’s not only women’s relationship with men that our sociocultural norms have distorted but our relationship with each other too. Heterosexual matrimony is so overtly promoted that it’s not surprising that many young girls feel that love, and only love, is what makes their life and themselves complete. It’s not unusual to hear people say that if a 30-year old woman isn’t in a relationship there must be something wrong with her, whereas a man in the same situation hasn’t just chosen to settle down yet. Men seem to have the power to choose while women are doomed to compete against each other in order to attract male attention. Female friendship is commonly portrayed as toxic and of secondary relevance to the heterosexual relationship. Needless to say that representing men as our ultimate end goal makes women treat each other as rivals, but it also stigmatizes the platonic friendships between men and women.
Feminism was like a bad word for me. To be honest, I can hardly remember one single positive or encouraging representation of feminism growing up. In my mind the word was always equated with being ungrateful, demanding or difficult. Therefore discussing inequality when I was younger seemed awkward, to say the least, and I didn’t want to be perceived as difficult or demanding. So, I was convinced that I was fine, and it wasn’t until I turned 17 that I found myself suddenly feeling vulnerable. I was convinced that it was probably just my imagination and that I was seeing giants where there were only windmills: that the guy who honked or catcalled at me was just giving me a modest compliment, that’s all. Having talked with other girls who had alarmingly similar experiences made me understand that I wasn’t the only one. I started to question the way things had been and to think that there might be something awfully wrong with our society. It turned out that it wasn’t just my imagination and we were not up against mere windmills.
I can’t honestly count the times I’ve been told that there isn’t really ‘anything’ for me in feminism since women, supposedly, are already equal with men. I doubt this comes as a surprise for anyone but in fact we have not achieved equality yet, not even in Finland. And even if we had it shouldn’t really prevent us from promoting these values further and treasuring them. Nevertheless, there are still women who are struggling with legislation over reproductive rights, equal pay and even voting rights. Furthermore women are highly objectified in the media and the misogynistic way of thought is deeply embedded everywhere in the structures of our societies. Our sociocultural customs not only discriminate against women – they derogate women.
Learning more about the facts instead of dwelling in my ignorance helped me to, in the words of Kylie Jenner, realize things. I began to see through the awful everyday sexism and normalized toxic behavior. Stalking was no more synonymous with being affectionate and dividing household chores evenly was actually the decent thing to do. Hearing ‘boys will be boys’ one too many times made me decide that it was time to stop dodging the imaginary bullet of being “like other girls” and start embracing the f-word.
Becoming a feminist has taught me to think critically and to speak my mind. I’m not afraid anymore to interrupt someone telling a misogynistic joke or to stop and compliment other girls. I have become comfortable with being like other girls after realizing that there’s no actual competition, only a struggle we all share.