It should be a given that harassment is never acceptable, whether it’s ‘mild’ or more severe. Still, many people belittle it or blame the victim, and even the victim might feel like it’s not okay to ‘make a big deal’, especially in these ‘mild’ cases. One time at a flat party, some guy I hardly knew put his hands against the wall on either side of me, and stood so close his face was only a few inches from mine – breathing in my ear, and making it hard for me to go anywhere. He started interrogating me on why I wasn’t coming to the after-party at a nearby club: “Why aren’t you coming? What time do you have to wake up? What are you doing tomorrow? Do you have something important tomorrow?” etc. I answered his questions and made lame excuses, until I started getting really annoyed, and with a derisive laugh, he finally moved aside.
Even though the guy let me go, and nothing horrible happened, this incident still left me feeling bad. It wasn’t just the invasion of personal space – it was also the way he spoke to me, and that I let it happen. Afterwards I thought, “Why didn’t I just tell him that I didn’t feel like going to the club that time, that I wanted to go home?” It’s clear to me now that I didn’t owe this guy any explanations, let alone an account of my plans for the next day – and yet I didn’t tell him that. I could have also pushed him away, but that thought didn’t even enter my mind. I didn’t think he’d get violent, but him being physicially bigger and obviously stronger didn’t exactly encourage me.
So, when I thought of the guy’s arrogant and superior attitude towards me, and my reaction to it, I felt slightly ashamed that I’d played by his rules – that is, talked my way out of it by answering his questions, instead of letting him know that me wanting to go home was the only justification I needed for doing so. I kind of felt like I’d let myself down; whatever thoughts and beliefs I’d had about equality and self-worth and what not, they didn’t seem to do much for me in practice. This kind of pressuring can leave its target feeling like they failed to defend themselves when they should have. This kind of pressuring left me feeling worse than some previous incident of ‘mild’ harassment, even though this guy never actually laid a hand on me. This was because I had a chance to speak up for myself, and I had failed to do so.
However, I realized that this kind of guilty attitude also added fuel to the fire; I may have failed to stand up for myself like I should have, but I shouldn’t have needed to do so in the first place. By cornering and pressuring me the way he did, the guy put me in a very uncomfortable situation, and I instinctively did what I thought was the easiest, safest way out – how could I even be sure the situation wouldn’t have escalated into something worse? If something like this happens again, I hope I’ll manage to defend myself better.
But the bottom line is that it still wasn’t my fault; I wanted to go home, and the guy should have respected that. My way of handling it wasn’t great, but it was understandable – and it doesn’t make me unworthy of my beliefs.
We all set our own personal boundaries, and we all must respect those of each other.
All harassment is disrespecting someone else’s boundaries, which is why it’s not okay to label ‘mild’ cases as insignificant. It’s also important to keep in mind that the notions of ‘mild’ and ‘severe’ are subjective, and outsiders don’t get to determine how bad the target of harassment is entitled to feel. Furthermore, failing to defend ourselves against harassment isn’t wrong or something to be ashamed of, because we shouldn’t have to do so – it’s only wrong to force others to defend themselves against us.