My relationship with Christmas is somewhat ambivalent. Yuletide has never filled me with overflowing bliss nor intense agony; however, I cannot say I feel indifferent about the holidays either. In fact, I’m fascinated with the idea of Christmas and the enchanting atmosphere I have grown to associate it with but whose impact I haven’t properly grasped in my own life.
I hold Christmas in high esteem, for I have always been drawn to its characteristic colors, red and green against a white snowy backdrop. From an aesthetic point of view, this both endearing and elegant image makes my heart sing. Besides pleasing color combinations, I can also tolerate shiny lights and excessive glitter paired with seemingly irritating Christmas carols. I’m able to value music regardless of its clichés. The commercial side of the holidays does not particularly dispirit me either, for it is tied to the yearly tradition. Moreover, I have an appreciation for established practices, for continuity matters to me.
However, Yule has never been a source of comfort for me, nor do I have nostalgic memories attached to it. I absolutely do not miss childhood Christmases, the opening of presents around the tree. I’m more captivated by the heart-warming ambiance intensified by lighting, colors, music, scents and flavors. For me, these invigorating elements are at the core of Christmas. Nevertheless, its peaceful harmony remains a mystery to me, distant and unobtainable. I indeed struggle with rest and relaxation, which is certainly not due to Christmas-related stress, for there are hardly any preparations for the festivity in my family. I’m more concerned about unfinished work and other obligations ever-present in my mind. Tranquility thus comes across as an unattainable dream.
Despite these challenges, I have always wanted to embrace the magic of Christmas namely due to the stillness that it has the potential to provide. Each year, I’m eager to experience joy and contentment although there is always something holding me back. Nonetheless, Christmas represents a light in the darkness and a long-awaited break from routine. Perhaps the anticipation itself is more meaningful than those fleeting Christmas days.