Why “Friends With Benefits” Doesn’t Work

Friends with benefits, according to Urban Dictionary, is “Two close friends who think it would be fun to have sex with each other again and again…” Friends with benefits, according to ME, is literally the WORST idea you could ever think of.

Usually, two people think of the idea to be friends with benefits when they are sexually frustrated. That is your first mistake. Never, and I mean NEVER, come up with an idea when you are sexually frustrated. You want to know why??? Because you are not thinking straight… because, did I mention that you are sexually frustrated? And your brain is telling you, “Have sex!! Have sex, now. Have sex with the next person who sends you a text!” And then you receive a text message from your friend, who you never really thought of in a “sexual relationship” type of way. But your brain says “YASSS GET IT GIRL! Great idea. Sleep with him (or her, we don’t judge). Sleep with him RIGHT. THIS. INSTANCE.” And you know this is wrong because, again, you are sexually frustrated. But you think to yourself, it is so wrong that it may actually be right… WRONG.

That was your first mistake. Your second mistake is texting your friend and saying, “Random thought… we should maybe, sleep together?” And the second you send it, you start freaking out because they are going to think you are psycho!

So you quickly add the “lol jk jk” to save your sexually frustrated ass.

BUT THEN… You get that message that says “why just kidding…?” And that my friends, leads you into mistake number three. Your friend is just as sexually frustrated as you, but did not want to be the one to say it. So the fact that you just said it and put it out there into the universe means that it cannot be taken back. And deep down, you want it … so bad.

If you have seen the movie Friends with Benefits with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, you know friends with benefits never works. But you think “I am different, I won’t fall for this person… it is JUST sex.” Awwww, you are so naive because movies are different, but then again you are also, what is that word… oh yes… DEzzSPERATE.

So, you come up with a “contract,” and in the contract you make sure to say, “Sex will stop if one person starts to catch feelings for the other person… NO FEELINGS ALLOWED.” If only it was that simple. That was your ~biggest~ mistake: assuming you can stop yourself from catching feelings.

First of all, you are friends with this person because you LIKE them. If you did not like them, you would not be friends. Second of all, you ~OBVIOUSLY~ trust this person if you believe that you can have sex with them without anyone finding out what you two are doing. And third of all, you are obviously attracted to this person if you can picture yourself having sex with them, even if it is just once. Sex is not JUST sex. It is more than that. It is intimate, and don’t lie to yourself and say it's not.

By this time, you have convinced yourself that this is a great idea and you have both agreed to the terms and conditions. But we all know terms and conditions… no one ever reads the fine print. The print that says in the tiniest font known to woman, “One of you, if not both of you, will develop feelings.” There it is folks, the catch of the century. THIS IS WHY FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS DOES NOT WORK.

Because one of you will develop feelings. Let me repeat that for the people in the back… ONE OF THE TWO PEOPLE PARTICIPATING IN FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WILL DEVELOP FEELINGS. It is inevitable, despite what you may think. I bet you are still going to try it. But in the end, I'll still be able to say, “HA! I proved you wrong!”

And then you will be lying to me and yourself because you are in denial and know that you are in denial. What I didn’t tell you in the beginning is that the whole Urban Dictionary definition for “Friends with benefits” states that: “Two close friends who think it would be fun to have sex with each other again and again. UNTIL ONE FALLS IN LOVE AND GETS THEIR HEART BROKEN WHEN THE OTHER DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.” Yup, you read that correctly, even Urban Dictionary doesn’t think friends with benefits is a good idea. And obviously Urban Dictionary is the most reliable source; it's the internet, people.

I know you are probably thinking, “What does this girl know?” But I am telling you, I have been there and done that, and my advice to you is to steer clear of friends with benefits, because what starts out as friends sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g, may just turn into a baby in a baby carriage.