For all my lovers out there who are new to this long-distance game, welcome. It sucks. I think we can all admit that. But it doesn’t have to suck as much as it does! As someone who was involved in two relationships that involved some form of physical separation, I can confirm that these can be rough. However, I learned a lot about myself, my partner and just love & relationships in general because of them. Here are some of my best tips, from your local anxiously-attached sapphic.
- Ask yourself if long distance is really what you want
Before you and your partner enter into a long-distance relationship, you may need to sit down and discuss if it actually is what you both want. It may seem stupid to break up in the face of physical separation, but I’ve done it before and it was for the best. If you know you’re someone who needs things that your partner can’t give you from afar, then you should consider this. Long-distance relationships can get very difficult very quickly, and I think it is very important to realise what you are getting yourself into. Consider things like time-zone differences, working hours, the actual distance between you two (aka how much effort and time would it take to get to see them physically), what you need and want from the relationship and if you think it’s worth it in the end. Some people don’t think it’s worth it – and that’s completely fine! If you don’t want to try, you don’t have to try. The decision is yours, and yours only. With that being said, they can be the most beautiful relationships of all time, because if you can maintain a healthy and happy relationship from afar, imagine what you can maintain when you are together!
- Don’t underestimate the importance of space
When you’re in a long-distance commitment with somebody, you need to give each other space to be yourselves. Maintaining a sense of individuality can be difficult in relationships in general, especially if you have an anxious-attachment style. If you feel overwhelmed or smothered by them, communicate that gently and let them know you need a bit of space. Try not to be on your phone to them all the time, rather get through your day and set aside a time to talk that works for both of you. This will give you something to look forward to each day as well as allow you to focus on your own life while not feeling pressured to communicate every single thing with them. Maintaining your individuality is so important – make new friends or maintain friendships that don’t involve your partner in any way, maintain hobbies that excite and fulfil you, focus on your studies or career. Cultivate a strong sense of self.
- Plan when you are next going to see each other
One of my friend’s older sister (who has been in a long-distance relationship for over 3 years) once told me that her and her boyfriend always know when they will next see each other. She said it makes the distance bearable – because you know you’ll be reunited soon, even if it is brief or temporary. Whether you plan a holiday together or agree to see one another once every couple of weeks or months, it gives you something to look forward to and will provide some relief. Another tip she gave me is that, if possible, you should know when the long-distance is going to end. She said that it’s better to know when it’ll end, rather than pretending you’re going to be together forever despite not knowing when you’ll finally get to be together in person. Because, at the end of the day, who wants that?
- Communication
I know. This word is overused. Especially in conversations about long distance. But there’s a reason for this. If you need to have a difficult conversation, then you need to have a difficult conversation. If you need to call your partner out or need something from them/the relationship, you need to have open communication. It is so important to keep your partner in the loop with your feelings and put your best foot forward.
- Love languages
Knowing your partner’s love language can be such a useful tool in creating a successful relationship. If they are a ‘physical touch’ kinda person, you could buy them a teddy bear to cuddle when you’re not there, or a weighted blanket, or just leave them with some clothes of yours that smell like you. If they are a ‘words of affirmation’ person, reassure them all the time and don’t forget to sneak in a compliment every day. For ‘acts of service’ lovers, you could send them vouchers for food or help book plane tickets for them. For all my ‘gifts’ people, you could mail them handwritten letters or send them something special every now and again. For all my ‘quality time’ lovers, you could agree to have a long video chat once a week and try to do fun things together over video chat. It’s all about putting effort in (in the right way). When I say ‘in the right way’, I mean you could be sending your girlfriend flowers from afar when all she really wants is to Facetime you every day.
- Sacrifice
Just like in all relationships, long distance relationships require a certain amount of sacrifice. Sometimes when the only time you can call your s/o for the whole week is when you’ve just arrived at a party, it’s up to you if you’d rather take the call or head straight inside with your friends. Sometimes you’ll spend your money on a plane ticket to their hometown rather than on something you’ve wanted to buy yourself for a while. Sometimes you’ll want to sit on a call with them for hours rather than do your homework or go to work.
All in all, long-distance relationships aren’t for everyone (and certainly not for the faint-hearted). But hearts don’t pick places, they pick people. If you believe your person is worth it, consider these tips. My heart goes out to all my long-distance lovers! You are brave, you are strong and what you have is beautiful!