Evil Kermit Moments to Kick off the Year Part II

Me: I need to write two articles but I only have one.

Me to me: Split it into two articles. 

Me: I need to get out of bed to go to that club meeting

Me to me: You can sleep for 5 more minutes. You can use your roommate’s scooter.

*20 minutes later*

Me: Oh my god we have to go.

Me to me: Drop the club. Drop the club

Me: I didn’t really understand the topic today. I should rewatch the lecture video.

Me to me: Let me pull it up for you.

Me: That’s…Netflix.

Me to me: Good job, you can read. Now watch.

Me: I really need to study.

Me to me: Yes you really do.

Me: *eyes bulge in shock*

Me to me: Ahahahahaha. Got you so goodly. Let’s watch Netflix.

My friend (with a very nice dress of mine): Hey, can I borrow this dress?

Me: Yeah, of course!

Me to me: No. No. Don’t let her take it. IT’S TOO NICE!

My friend: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your dress.

Me: Oh, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. It’s just a dress.

Me to me: Unfriend her. Then kill her. Kill her.

Talking to a crush.

Me: Impress him with your intellect and humor.

Me to me: Pull your shirt lower. Lower. Lower.

Me: Time to work out!

Me to me: Can’t. Just ate.

Me: No I d–

Me to me: *Shoves a handful of chips in mouth*

Me: Time to work out!

Me to me: Can’t–I’m injured.

Me: How so?

Me to me: I’ve strained my…phalange?

Me: Time for sit-ups!

Me to me: Lie down, this mat is so comfortable.

Me: Just got my paycheck! Let’s follow the 50-20-30 rule.

Me to me: Let’s spend it all on food and clothes!

*The last slice of pizza*

Me: Let somebody else have it, you’ve already had two slices.

Me to me: Take it. TAKE IT.

*Friend hasn’t paid back money for a month.*

Friend: Sorry, I just don’t have any cash. I’ll pay you back the moment I do.

Me: Oh that’s okay. Get it back to me whenever.

Me to me: Jump him. Jump him right now and use all his BoardPlus.