1.Can he see my pimple?
The first and foremost question upon taking every snap. Let’s face it (haha pun): we all pretend to nonchalantly take these snaps and send them quickly, but it’s a lie. As soon as we’re finished holding the pose – for that annoyingly long delay – we bring the brightness up as high as possible and test with every possible filter (shout out to the chrome one and its godly ability to make me look human) until we are satisfied that the pimple is sufficiently hidden. And if it’s not, cue the word bar, which will be perfectly positioned to cover the monster on my forehead. No I don’t care if it looks awkward there. PIMPLE. MUST. GO.
2.Does this look too posed? (i.e. like it took me 22 times to get right, because it did.)
Sometimes, the gods are smiling, and that first snap looks perfect. Like, better than your senior picture looked perfect. But usually, it’s disgusting, and needs to be taken six-six hundred more times before it can be sent. And when it sends it will look natural. Or else. Snaps can never be allowed to look like they took fourteen minutes to get right. That’s just ridiculous. So we need to spend an extra five minutes after we get the angle and the lighting making sure we take one that looks like an offhand shot. Sigh the agony I go through to look so offhandedly beautiful.
3.Why hasn’t he opened my snap?
Damn the empty arrow. Damn it when it doesn’t show up, almost as much as when it does. Because Snapchat gave us the cursed ability to see when our snaps have been opened, we are forced to obsess about when they aren’t. Because really, why wouldn’t someone open a snap right away? Everyone sees them come in. Seriously, it’s like the year 3000, and I know you’re looking at your phone. So why didn’t you open my snapchat yet? JUST OPEN MY SNAPCHAT. YOU STUPID BOY.
4.Why has he opened my snap and not answered? . . . ?
This is just an unacceptable form of torture. You saw my snap. It was loosely part of our snap-versation, unquestionably adorable (I mean, did you see my slightly-ugly-except-actually-really-pretty face in that lighting), and blatantly directed at you. So not answering it? Totally unacceptable. You wouldn’t ignore a text like that, would you? Or maybe you would. Maybe I need to reconsider my existence. Oh god.
5.Why has he opened my snap, watched my story, AND STILL NOT ANSWERED. WHY GOD WHY!?
Cruel and unusual punishment. We’re done. Until you answer. Then I wuv you again.
6.Did his score go up?
This one is a tricky form of neurosis that I’ll admit is one part creepy and two parts addictive. So how does it work? You send him a snap. He opens, doesn’t answer. Ok, whatever, cool. No one needs him anyways. But before you snapped him, you may have casually looked at his snapscore. And now you might casually be looking again. And if it’s gone up, that means he’s been answering snaps. But not your snap. Cue misery.
7.Is he snapping other girls?
The question upon which we all wonder. We sit and feel special, but what if we aren’t? What if those adorably drawn on snaps aren’t just for me? What if that “you’re cute” that melted my heart went to two other girls as well? What if he’s asking me and seven or so different biddies “what’s up” AT THE SAME TIME? These are the questions that will drive us to madness.
8.Is it cool to double snap?
This point of consternation is one shrouded in ambiguity. We all know that double texting is a huge red flag. But double snapping? That’s casual . . . right? Like hey oh whatever you didn’t answer my last snap, here’s just something cool casually happening that I didn’t plan that I’m sending to everybody not just to you. I mean, the double snap is just utilizing snapchat and casually sharing it. Double snapping doesn’t make me look creepy. Or triple snapping. Or quadruple . . .
9.He double snapped me. So love?
But when he double snaps it’s game over. He wants me. He needs me. He’s calling me to his room to seduce me with his masculine talents. Or maybe he wants to propose. Because a double snap – like, that’s never just casual. That takes purposely taking a picture and using your delicate, manly, beautiful fingers to press the little box by my name sending me two snaps in a row. Which is basically like saying I love you. I need to call my mom and tell her I (finally) have a Harvard fiancée. This is awesome. Also, I need to answer him.
10.Who is this gender-ambiguous initialed name above me in his favorites?
L_park244 . . . wtf. What is this? Who is L? Is she a girl? Are you snapchatting another girl more than me? I can’t believe it, you two-timing asshole. We are done. I’m never answering another snap. Except, wait–this snap is so cute. You’re so adorable. Why do you snap like a God? L is probably your best friend from home. There is nothing cuter than a boy who misses his friends from home. Or his mom. How adorable is it that you snap them all the time. OMG. I’m in love.