I recall my first time hearing this; I was in the midst of one of many way-too-deep rant sessions with my mother. My being rose with heat and my face reddened as the plot of my latest romantic tragedy poured from my lips. With each of my complaints, the rage within rose until it was no longer in me, but now present in a current of tears, furrowed brows, and an involuntarily pouting lip.
“You don’t want a boyfriend, you want a father,” my mother said with absolute seriousness.
My instinct was to retort with a plethora of reasons why she was terribly mistaken. Instead, I took a much-needed breath and pondered her diagnosis.
I mean, it was a mere coincidence that all of the men I was attracted to just happened to be older than me. The overwhelming, almost-anxious sensation that brewed in my stomach upon our separation was simply me missing them. I gagged at the idea of actually admitting to any form of abandonment issues. Isn’t everybody just slightly obsessed with their s.o? The constant need for reassurance was just a result of my love language being words of affirmation, with no possible chance of being a signifier of insecurity. And don’t even get me started on the unexplainable eagerness to submit; it was just an exemplification of my “traditional” upbringing. Nothing more, nothing less…right?
It all added up, but nonetheless, I laughed in the faces of logic and practicality.
Until they laughed back at me. I found myself back in my mother’s arms with a crisis almost identical to the last.
It’s no secret that in the battle between love and I, the score remains tied with neither one of us appearing anywhere close to victory. However, did it ever occur to me that our error was a miscommunication in the nature of love pursued vs. the love needed rather than a fault in my choice of men? In other words, did it ever occur to me that I was the problem? Never.
I’m not fond of the term “daddy issues” because it’s cliche, it’s cringy, and it’s often imposed upon women to invalidate or misinterpret the reasoning behind our actions. However, I won’t negate the truth in the fact that one will seek what they lacked in a parental figure in their romantic relationships. Here are the signs:
If you find that you’re hyper attracted to the idea of an assertive, overly dominant partner, you may be looking for a father instead. The contrast between desiring the security of an authoritative figure (father) and a dominant partner is a fine line that is often blurred and so run into the ground that we dance across it blindly, repeatedly, and shamelessly. Despite the blurred lines, the two people in a relationship are meant to be equals. Where one leads, another follows, but the responsibility of leading should be shared. No one person should be in control. If you find yourself lost without the direction of your partner, you’re looking to be raised rather than romanced. Seeking the guidance and order traditionally brought by parental love in a romantic bond is unfair to your partner and can (and will) be the demise of the relationship. Submission is a choice, but a lack of a spine and a lack of direction is a flaw.
Say it with me: absence makes the heart grow fonder. The separation anxiety you feel when spending time away from your partner can be attributed to the absence of a parent and is not healthy nor is it normal.Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we’ve all been there: you’ve spent a few hours with your partner, then as the end draws near, they mention the plans they’ve got for the rest of the day. Nothing serious; maybe an outing with some friends. But nonetheless, it’s a wound that aches acutely at the thought, moderately at the action, and severely once they post it on Instagram. The idea of your partner being with their friends and actually exercising their social skills outside of you is nauseating, and it shouldn’t be, but it is because the thought of them leaving you even for a moment invokes a fear they’ll never return.If this resonates it’s because, despite the dramatized scenario in your mind, the reality is that you fear abandonment. It happened before, and it’s traumatizing.
Your boyfriend is allowed to leave you for a moment or indefinitely in the worst-case scenario because they are not obligated to you in the way your parent is. Any attempt to treat your partner like a possession not to be shared or let out of your sight will only accelerate the expiration of your relationship. They’re allowed to have a life, and I suggest you get one.
Finally, the most unpopular of all my opinions: your partner is not under any circumstance required to “take care” of you.
With regards to finances, while you should be able to call your mom or dad at the drop of a dime for any inconvenience or favor big or small, your boyfriend should not be expected to handle your financial burdens. Yes, the ideal father is both reliable and dependable and is supposed to be a resource to lighten the load of adulthood. Yes, your boyfriend is allowed to treat you to nice gifts and use money to show their appreciation and affection for you. However, gifts and bills are not synonymous. Tokens of one’s affection whether tangible or intangible are universally regarded as a part of a healthy relationship. On the contrary, an expectant, entitled attitude to your partner’s finances only reveals your own hamartia: codependency.
While everyone has a type, if your “type” can be accurately described as a man who is authoritative, willing to pay all your bills, and happy to neglect the outside world to be with you for every waking moment, I’m happy to say that the man of your dreams does exist, and you don’t even have to look far to find him; you’re an extension of his genetic pool.
In my (unpopular) opinion, the best relationships are those where the two people involved are equally yoked; I want to come as peace, prepared to be a refuge from the tribulations of the outside world rather than a child in need of grooming. I want the same from my potential partner.
We need not relate control with passion because a need for control in both active and passive tenses insinuates nothing outside of insecurity. We need not relate the reluctance of somebody to take on our financial burdens to their shortcomings, but our own immaturity and misfortunes. We need not view our partners as property because even the most affectionate couples need me-time.
So no, he’s not distant for needing some time with his friends -it’s normal and justified. He’s not cheap for not paying your bills- they are yours, after all. And yes, he does care what you do despite him giving you free rein to make your own decisions with little to no input – you, and only you, are the boss of you.
Your boyfriend is not your father, and he is under no requirement to put on the pants of parental love that were never intended to fit him. For the first time ever, it’s not him, it’s you.