Let’s be real. When it comes to relationships, the typical end goal is to end up marrying someone, starting a family, and fulfilling your dreams together. However, as the decades have gone by, that ideal love story has become pretty outdated. Couples are splitting left and right, and that “perfect family” blueprint has been modified with step-parents, step-siblings, and half-siblings.
Some shun the idea of divorce, saying, “Once we’re married, that’s it.” But there’s no way, especially years in advance, to determine whether or not the person you’re with is the one you’ll be with 50 years from now. If there’s one thing you’ll learn, it’s that some aspects of your life are simply beyond your control. The things you do have control over, however, should be prioritized; and the environment you create and raise your children in, is one of them.
Separation has a negative connotation, and people often assume that the children will suffer from it. That’s only true if the parents allow that to happen. As a product of my parents’ separated relationship, I can say that the effects on the child really depend on how effective the parents’ co-parenting skills are.
Despite how things ended, as a parent, you shouldn’t keep your child away from the next parent out of spite or resentment. My parents established early on that they wanted me to have a healthy relationship with them individually. When I was little, they set up a schedule for me to spend time at each of their houses. Mondays, Thursdays, and every other Friday/weekend: Mommy’s house. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and every other Friday/weekend: Daddy’s house. Although it seems so long ago, I remember packing my bag to go to my dad’s every other weekend. I remember getting invited to hang out with friends who lived closer to my dad’s house, and telling them, “Sorry, I can’t. I’ll be at my mom’s house this weekend.” I remember bouncing back and forth between the two, and at the time, the “Mommy’s house, Daddy’s house” thing seemed normal. It was what it was. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that this was a co-parenting strategy—a really great one. It was so seamless that it felt like that’s how it was supposed to be, and I was happy as long as I got to spend time with both of my parents, equally.
When you’ve separated from someone you have a child with, it’s easy to reflect your negative feelings about that person onto the child. What you have to realize, however, is no child wants to hear anyone talk badly about their parent, especially not coming from another parent. It puts the child in an extremely awkward position. Do I defend my mom/dad? But what if they think I’m taking sides? Co-parenting isn’t just about allowing the child to physically visit both parents, but it’s also about establishing a sense of respect for one another even though you aren’t together anymore. Although my parents have their disagreements here and there (as any parents would, together or not), one thing they’ve always maintained is respect for one another. They made sure they didn’t create an environment where I would feel like I could disrespect either one of them to one another. I wouldn’t speak disrespectfully of my mom to my dad, and I wouldn’t speak disrespectfully of my dad to my mom. Setting healthy boundaries is another part of co-parenting that I didn’t realize was being implemented into my childhood until I got older.
Now, I don’t know anyone who wants to grow up to be divorced, especially with a child involved. But, it happens. What matters most is what you make of the situation; and although you may bump heads time and time again, the love you have for your child will always be something the two of you can agree on. Co-parenting isn’t the typical dream, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare, either.