As sad as it is to admit, many children of color, and African American children specifically, grow up without a father in their life. There is a shocking statistic that more than 1 in 4 children live in homes without their biological father present. Although it is a hard reality, it is important to acknowledge the emotional impact this absence of a father can have on a child.
As I grew up, I never saw myself as that kid who had “daddy issues” or felt impacted by my dad being in and out of the picture. It wasn’t until I got out of my teenage years when I realized that his absence really did affect me in some ways. It has impacted my relationship with my mom – sometimes I catch myself blaming her for him not being there – and it has affected my relationships with significant others. In all of my past relationships I noticed that I feared abandonment and had a very hard time trusting my partner. Currently, I have noticed I am in a place where I still fear that abandonment, but instead of opening up and having a significant other, I choose to isolate myself and completely close myself off to the idea of love. And this is because I am terrified of experiencing that very first heartbreak again that I had with my dad. I can admit that I went through a phase where I would try to fill the void of my dad being M.I.A by seeking affection from guys or constantly smoking and partying to block out that pain. Most importantly though, I realize that my phases of really bad anxiety and depression are triggered whenever I think too hard about my dad.
It’s funny because I have this reputation of being someone who has no feelings and who doesn’t often get upset about things. But let me tell you – that is not true! I can honestly and openly admit that I wish my dad was more present in my life. I desperately wish that him and my mom could have worked their issues out and that him, my mom, sister, and I could have had that picture perfect life. I wish that I didn’t only have 1, out of 365 days a year, when I knew he would call me and tell me he loves me. (My birthday is the one day of the year he always makes sure he calls) But I realize that at this point there is not much I can change about my circumstance. I know that God wouldn’t have put my sister and I in this position if he knew we couldn’t handle it. Although it hurts to know that my dad isn’t always around, it just motivates me to make sure I marry a man who will make his children his number one priority. Every day I pray that my future kids will have a wonderful father figure and not have an experience like I did.
So, for any of you that have a similar situation to me, I want you to know that it is okay. A parents absence in your life does not define you or mean there is anything wrong with you! Take every experience as an opportunity to grow, and trust and believe that emptiness or loneliness you feel will eventually go away. Pray, meditate, stay positive, and most of all cherish and love the people you still do have in your life – whether that is an amazing mother, grandparents, and aunts like me, or anyone else!