Picture this. You’ve been in a long time stable relationship with someone that you love dearly. Everything is everything. The birds are chirping, wedding bells are ringing, you and your soulmate are walking on clouds. But you’ve got one little nagging thing on your heart. (Insert record scratch here) You haven’t told them that you’re celibate.
How do you even have that conversation? When do you have that conversation? Keep reading for the answers to these questions and more.
1. Perfect timing
Your celibacy isn’t something that you have to state on the first date. You don’t have to wear it like a badge or attach it to your identity like it’s your last name. On the other hand, it shouldn’t be something you hide either. Don’t wait until the second year of your relationship to let your significant other know that you’re waiting for marriage. Instead, mention it at an appropriate time. It is easiest to address when you end up talking about sex. Take that opportunity to conversationally state your preference. You could casually say, “Honestly, I prefer to wait for marriage” or “Well, I don’t know how I feel about that yet because I’m a virgin.” Weaving it into conversation will make it less like a PSA. Then, the floor will open up for an in depth talk. You’ll know when the moment is right. I recommend telling your love interest when it seems like you’ll soon become an official couple. As you discuss your personalities, dreams, and aspirations, go ahead and divulge this information.
2. Vulnerability
Stating that you’re celibate is basically sharing your sexual history. It will require you to be somewhat vulnerable. But try to be open and honest about your feelings. Whether you’re staying celibate because you want to be a virgin on your wedding night, you’re uncomfortable with the idea, or you simply aren’t interested in having sex, don’t be afraid to communicate that. Your feelings are valid. The reason you are celibate is valid. Don’t get me wrong – you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. But the first reaction to “I’m waiting,” is “why?” So just be ready. If you decide to answer that question, it will require some vulnerability and trust.
3. Dealing with the reaction
After the initial, “why?” other reactions may come to the surface. There are a myriad of things that could happen. Before the conversation, try to prepare yourself for the possible outcomes. Some partners would be shocked, gasp and say, “What?! No way!” Others would try to discredit you by asking, “You’re lying aren’t you? You’re not a virgin.” Shaming may also take place: “it’s not that deep, you’re being overly dramatic. It’s just sex.” It’s a very sad reality but your partner may not understand. Remember – that does not mean you are wrong or that you need to change. What needs to change is your partner. Someone who truly loves you for you will respect your wishes no matter what, especially when it comes to your body. If they don’t, thank u, next. Love yourself enough to leave if they shame you for your celibacy.
I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t mention the fact that your SO might get frustrated. They might want to be with you but they also want to be sexually active. It will be a tough conversation to have, but if this happens, you need to address your individual needs. But whatever you do, don’t compromise. Don’t change your mind to please someone else.
Although my tips mainly addressed what could go wrong with this conversation, so many things could go right. Your partner could completely understand and commit to the celibacy journey with you. This could be the gateway to a more serious bond. So walk into this conversation with your head held high. Own your celibacy. Good luck, ladies!