Scammed by Disney princess movies that told me that I could possibly have that happily ever after with the singing birds and talking furniture, I believe in love.
I have faced the cold hard facts; I will not be getting my college love story. But I cannot get into a “situationship” or friends with benefits type of relationship that most college students get themselves into. I know myself too well to even think that I would not get emotionally involved with said person. I also know that I am not Mila Kunis and my sex buddy is not Justin Timberlake, and we will not inevitably fall in love by the end of this movie. These things I do know true. But a younger me, did not. God bless her.
From experience, I know that I am not equipped for anything less than a relationship. By the end of a lenghthy friends with benefits relationship, we were not even friends anymore. I had known this guy since elementary school, and now, we do not even follow each other on socials. Long story short, I caught feelings and I was upset when he could not reciprocate those feelings because he did not see me as anything more than a friend, personally, by the end of it he did not even see me as a friend anymore.
I could not believe that I had caught feelings, but how could I not? From forehead kisses to conversations about how we saw each other fit into our futures. I was hooked. That is why it hurt so much when he did not feel the same about me. When I finally got enough strength to realize that we would never be more than friends, I left. I do not think I could count it as a breakup though. I still mourn our “separation” as a breakup, because we went from best friends to strangers. But can you breakup with someone you never went out with? Well in my head we were always together, but I soon that this was just a figment of my imagination and I would always be second option to a first option that had not even come along yet.
From that experience alone, I realized that I could never do a friend with benefits relationship. I shared my first kiss with someone who could not even check and see if I made it home safely. I did not get my cinematic first kiss where both parties are flustered with butterflies from simply breathing the same air as the other person. I was overcome with emotions because I genuinely liked him but I think I was just another kiss to him. I was nothing but an exchange of saliva. I wanted more, so I created a fake scenario that we would potentially end up together because he could not possibly kiss his other friends like that.
I should be able to share experiences with someone who got the same butterflies as I did. So, I am waiting to make love with someone who feels the exact emotions I do. I cannot let myself settle for anything less because I have already seen how that movie plays out, and I did not like the ending.
Sex is a big thing. People try to diminish its significance, but I see sex as not only a physical connection but an emotional one as well. So, why would I not be selective on who I share an emotional tie with. Sex is personal; therefore, everyone should pick what makes them the most comfortable. And for me, that is waiting for love.