Close your eyes. Plug your ears. Now think of the word Clean. What do you smell? What do you taste?
That’s right. It’s mint.
Considering the extent to which the flavor and scent of mint have come to penetrate into every aspect of our lives, it still goes largely undiscussed. This must change.
Mint is really just an ordinary, unassuming little herb that got caught up in the rat race, and is now inextricably woven into our consumerist society. It’s everywhere. Toothpaste, gum, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, ice cream, colognes and perfumes, chapstick, vape juice, chocolate and all kinds of candy. Breath mints (which aren’t even always mint flavored), have bastardized the very name of the plant into a completely separate product line.
How and why this herb became synonymous with cleanliness and freshness above other herbs is well beyond my understanding. Why we don’t have basil flavored gum, or oregano ice cream will remain one of the greatest unsolved mysteries known to man, but I digress.
Capitalism (or rather us, the consumers) has demanded a range of mint flavours, though when compared to the plant itself, few of them bear any resemblance. These flavors vary wildly from one another, and so does their intended use. Below I will list out some of the more common subvarieties of mint flavors, and which situations I deem them appropriate to be used in.
Spearmint
Spearmint opens doors for old ladies wearing a business suit and holding a briefcase. It’s old fashioned, rigidly polite and almost violently classy. Spearmint drives a black Mercades, and wears aviators. Cufflinks and all, spearmint is the CEO of artificial mint flavors. Use it before business meetings, job interviews, or in any professional setting. Also good for meeting the parents.
Peppermint
Peppermint is cute and flirty in a retro-punk sort of way. It’s popular and sweet, but still put together. The kind of mint that drinks too much tea, frequents 50s themed diners and drives an out of date red Civic. An excellent first date flavor, it gives a good impression without being overbearing or taking itself too seriously.
Wintergreen
A personal favorite, Wintergreen doesn’t drive a car, it rides a f*cking motorcycle. A Triumph to be specific, one of the new ones. Wintergreen has a raw sex appeal that no other mint flavor can compete with. The plant from which its flavor is derived is poisonous in large doses. Though it prefers leather and denim, it cleans up nicely into a cocktail dress or a white tux. Modern, cutting-edge, badass and sexy, this is an excellent flavor for second dates, galas, and parties.
Winterfresh
Winterfresh looks best in sweats. A denizen of the gym, it’s a good choice if you’re trying to come off as sporty. Though I can categorize it as a unique flavour of mint, it’s basically just a trashy version of Wintergreen, which is irreplaceable.
Cool Mint
Not actually a real flavor. Sorry.
Bubblemint
This is some seriously New Age stuff, and is at the very fringes of my understanding. I would equate it to tucking a fork behind your ear; a bold choice not suited for most styles, but if you can pull it off, I say knock yourself out.
A Note on the Mixing of Mints: Matching mints can be as finicky and difficult as matching clothes. One bad choice, and you’ll smell (or taste) like a cretin. One of the strongest combinations I’ve found is mixing peppermint chapstick with wintergreen gum. It gives off an outwardly friendly, but intensely sensual vibe. Of course, if someone is close enough to you to smell your chapstick, you probably don’t need the help. Spearmint does not mix well, it’s used best as a standalone.
I hope this article has proven useful and thought-provoking to you. Mint is a fickle and honestly, rather bizarre thing. I just figure that if society is making it impossible for us not to use it, we should at least know how to do so responsibly and effectively.