Response from a “Nice Guy”

The Her Campus Hamilton article What Girls Want, How Guys See That, Plus a Little Dating Advice has generated a lot of criticism from feminists at Hamilton. They have labeled it “sexist drivel,” an “incoherent, sexist ramble,” and “patronizing [to] literally all women”. The trend is clear enough. Sexism. Sexism. Sexism. Personally, I am struck far more by how poorly written and irrelevant both perspectives are. In fact the most relevant feature in the entire article seems to be the only part written by the actual staff of Her Campus Hamilton: “This is simply two people’s experiences and how they feel, not the views of everyone at Her Campus”. In light of the controversy, however, it seems only reasonable to offer a rebuttal of both perspectives. 

The man’s perspective opens with a true – if harsh – appraisal of the woman’s perspective. He calls her requirements in a man a “fairytale”, and I completely agree. What does she ask for? A man who is handsome, muscular, funny, intelligent, playful, mature, fragrant, and a good cook. She says it herself; she wants “the perfect guy”. No such thing exists. No such thing should exist. The “perfect guy” is a fairytale because human beings aren’t, have never been, and never will be perfect. Perfection is boring. It leaves nothing to improve on: nowhere to go. It robs us of our humanity. The same thing goes for women. Any guy holding out for “the perfect girl” will wait forever. Relationships are all about compromise. You have to care for someone in spite of, or even because of his or her flaws. 

Where the man’s perspective goes wrong ideologically is in assuming that all women think the way the woman writer does. They don’t. I’ve had several fascinating conversations with women about what they find attractive in men, and the variance – for physical features alone – is astounding. Some women have a thing for broad shoulders. Others for noses, eyebrows, hands, or particular jawlines. No two girls have the exact same list of preferences, which in a sense makes both perspectives extremely pointless. What attracts one girl may repel another. The woman’s perspective in this article is overly idealistic, but it also fails to accurately represent the views of womankind. 

The problem here is that the writers both present their perspectives as the perspectives of their gender. They generalize. They stereotype, particularly the male writer. That does not so much indicate misogyny – considering that his perspective is a response to someone else’s writing – as it does a certain ignorance and lack of judgment, as well as awful and imprecise writing. 

In that vein, the woman’s perspective also exhibits an apparent element of prejudice. She writes, “I want my man to…understand that [women] are as intelligent or more than males”. She appears to presume that women are naturally more intelligent than men, when in reality both genders have a similar range of intelligence. I find it fascinating that this comment received so little criticism, while the man’s comments generated so much heat. To my mind they both demonstrate the same kind of prejudiced tone, although it is admittedly more prevalent in the man’s piece. Once again, I suspect that – in both cases – this tone is more a result of poor communication than actual prejudice. 

Similarly, the man’s dating advice seems moronic rather than sexist. He advises girls to be open to going out with guys who do not meet their expectations, claiming that they cannot truly know what they want and citing teen movies as evidence. This is a terrible idea. Most people – male or female – have a pretty good idea of the personal traits they are looking for, whether on a conscious or subconscious level. And teen movies may be the single worst source of relationship advice in existence, presenting a truly fairytale perspective. My advice: stick to your guns. You know what you want. Be reasonable in your expectations and stand by them. Going with the flow will never get you where you want to go. 

The reactions to this article were simply out of proportion. I will admit that the quality of the writing – particularly in the man’s perspective – approached criminality, but calling it misogynistic is jumping the gun. It was foolish, irrelevant, and imprecise to such an extent that we cannot possibly pass judgment as to the prejudice of the writer. Everyone’s expectations in a relationship are different. While it is important to keep your expectations down to earth, you should know what you want better than anyone else. Stand firm, and never betray your own desires.