I moved 3,000 miles less than five weeks ago. I’m overwhelmed, conflicted, and lost. All the time. It doesn’t matter how many times I walk from Thurston to District I have to remind myself which turn to take every time, and still, every time, I always realize it wasn’t the fastest route.
Some days I feel alright. Like maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea. That my last-minute whim to apply to a school across the country wasn’t such a rash decision and that I will find my place here. That everything will work out and I will find whatever it is I’m looking for. Some days are good.
Then there are those days that I can’t help but feel like I’m free-falling. Like I’ve taken a blind step off of this cliff and there’s nothing to catch me. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know what I want to do with my time here, and I really don’t know what I want to do with my life and career after I leave here. I start to think I’ve made the wrong decision, that maybe I should radically change the direction I’ve been pushing myself towards in life to a completely different path. I know I have time. I’m a first-semester freshman. I’m only one month in. There’s nothing to panic about. But I can’t help but feel like there is.
As time has gone on, I feel myself settling in. Having less of these days the more people I begin to feel comfortable with. But it’s still there. At any given moment the back of my mind is thinking about this void that is my immediate and far-reaching future. It feels lonely sometimes. Like everyone else has found their perfect fit here and I’m the odd-one-out. But I know that can’t be true. I have a feeling that most of us feel like this in one way or another. But we don’t talk about it.
It’s like some unwritten university-party-foul that you can’t say you’re struggling with actually enjoying the university you chose (instead, you can only joke about how broke you are). Especially for freshmen. This should be embraced. It should be considered normal. We are all embarking on maybe one of the biggest shifts in our life. Becoming a grown person with responsibilities is a big deal. Figuring out what you want to do with your life is a big deal. It’s okay to question it. It’s okay to worry if you got it wrong.
I may or may not grow out of this phase. I may or may not figure out what I’m doing. It might take another month. It might take another ten years. It might take switching my major four times. Who knows. That’s scary to me. The unknown is scary. But ultimately, I understand that it’s something I will have to grow friendly with. I will learn to one day understand the benevolent monster underneath my bed. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can offer anyone any solutions at the moment. But I can offer this small little piece of communion. Because I am lost, and maybe so are you. And so we can be lost together.
I am somewhere between Thurston and District and I can’t remember the fastest route. I am somewhere between childhood and adulthood and I have no idea which way is right. I am 5 weeks into my freshman year and the only thing I know is that I’m stumbling in the dark.
But that’s okay. Google Maps exists for a reason. It won’t last forever. The route just takes a second to recalculate.