How I Can Tell I'm A Senior

It’s Spring Senior Semester. I know, don’t give me that look. I’m as shocked as you are. Where have the years gone? I didn’t think I was going to make it past all those late nights studying Junior year, or the awful night Elise McGuile taught me how to guzzle beer at the drama club’s off-the-record after-party (Just kidding, Mom and Dad. I’m just making that up to sound relatable because I was really studying into the night my Freshmen, Sophmore, AND Junior years and needed some sentence variety.) Still, if you’re anything like me, one day you look up and the world has changed. Here are some of the observations I have made in my haggard age.

1. People think scrunchies are cool.

Seriously, how did I miss out on this? One of my first memories was opening my mom’s hair tie drawer in the bathroom and being like—What are those??? I’ve always thought my mom was cool and I’m glad the rest of the world is dressing like her now, but every time I walk through the mall and see middle school/highschool/college girls wearing scrunchies I feel archaic. When and why is this a trend?

2. Anything Harry Potter is now a spin off.

I now can slightly better understand the ire of the weird angry white men who hate anything Star Wars if a woman breathes on it, of course, without being able to understand the ire of weird angry white men because the new Star Wars movies are the shit. But Harry Potter…I don’t know why we couldn’t leave it to “All was well.” I can feel myself shake my finger at the young folk on this tirade, but don’t tell me that Dumbledore is gay and then make a movie about him where there are NO SIGNS of his sexuality and suddenly the snake I love to hate is human. If you’re going to use this logic making Harry Potter spin-offs, do something useful like make Dumbledore even gayer or RESURRECT DOBBY!

3. Grown men call each other ‘bud.’

I don’t know if this has been happening all of my life and I only became attuned to it, or if boys who call each other ‘bud’ have now grown into men as I have aged myself. But on numerous occasions of doing homework in coffee shops, I have overheard business meetings end with the very ‘bro’y usage of bud. Thanks for meeting, I’ll talk to you later, bud. It was good to talk to you, I’ll send those notes over, bud. I don’t like it, because I know to them, I will never be a ‘bud.’ Bud is a new form of male solidarity and I can only assume it has cropped up now, because I definitely would have noticed the cringe much earlier!

4. Laptops are advanced as rocket ships.

Seriously. When I got my new laptop this year, my mom and I cut out coupons before Black Friday and went out into the masses to buy me a lap top that wasn’t so heavy I wouldn’t be in pain at the end of the day carrying it around on my back. It’s a good lap top and we get along, but I can feel how far technology has advanced when I see other students’ computers! They blow my mind! I love them so much! One student who frequents my on-campus job has a computer with a highlight pad ABOVE HER KEY BOARD! So she can HIGHLIGHT EVERYTHING LIKE A WIZARD!! WITHOUT TOUCHING HER COMPUTER SCREEN! When I watch her I feel very impressed and very meek and very jealous at her expertise swiping. I hope in my old age she can teach the technology class at my senior center because I need her mad skills and technology capabilities!