Growing up, we are all encouraged to try new things. We aren’t guaranteed that we’ll enjoy these new things, but we are promised that in the end everything will be okay. So here I am, 18 years old, old enough not to be afraid to try new things, but I am still petrified of trying college, the newest, most unfamiliar thing I’ve ever tried.
The day my mom dropped me off at college was arguably the worst day of my life. There I was, standing on the curb in front of my dorm, watching my mom drive off in our family Subaru with complete strangers carrying my things up to the room that I now have to call home. I remember when one of the CFs dropped a blanket that had been made for me by a family friend. That moment was an introduction to how I would later feel that night. I lay in my bed silently crying because I was too scared that my roommate would notice, but a piece of me was left at home and dropped on the lawn outside of Pittman. That day was the day I said goodbye to life as I knew it. Goodbye home, goodbye family, goodbye former self.
Over the weeks, things have gotten better and I have started to adjust. I haven’t found my niche at college, but I have found new things that make me happy. I love waking up in the mornings and looking out the window and down the hill. I love walking into buildings in search of a new study spot. I love Frost-Your-Owns. Gustavus has been a good place after all. Still, I find myself comparing college to high school with a little bit of nostalgia for high school.
In high school, I had friends that I’ve known for as long as I’ve known my brother. My three longest, best friends are people I’ve known for thirteen years. We know everything about each other, I’ve been to their houses multiple times, I know their dogs’ birthdays. I practically know their blood type. I probably even know their dogs’ blood type. The point is, I know them in and out and everything in between about them.
In college, I don’t have that connection with my friends, nor do I have the same amount of time to build deep friendships like the ones I had in high school. This makes me feel exceptionally lonely. The conversations I have with my new friends here are inherently limited because I don’t know much more about them than their names. A part of this is refreshing, because in high school everyone knows you and it’s hard to change your image. Here you’re free from any previous labels and people take advantage of this opportunity to reinvent themselves.
Alone time is a rare commodity in college. I’m never alone–not at night, not during the day, never. Alone time is precious. In high school, I took alone time for granted and would complain about spending the day alone when my friends weren’t around. A few days into college, one will experience the effervescence of unlocking your dorm room and finding out that your roommate isn’t there. There is a lot of jumping for joy, happy dances commence, confetti is thrown–I’d open a bottle of champagne if I wasn’t underage and poor. It’s worth celebrating.
School itself is different too. Professors are much cooler than high school teachers and they make an effort to note their coolness. I’ve even been to one my professors’ houses. We walked over there one day for class. She has adorable black and white chickens and she makes her own kombucha. If that isn’t coolness, I don’t know what is.
Learning is different in college. It’s more tangible and actually feels applicable, unlike in high school when learning meant memorizing a slew of facts until the next test. Your schedule also changes significantly. Instead of being stuck in a building for eight hours, five days a week, you only attend class a few classes at a time in college. This has taken getting used to, but is a welcomed change. The only part of this that gets me is that in high school, you get to go home after school–but after school in college, you can’t go home because you live at school. In some ways, you can’t escape. This is my biggest problem with college. If I want to get away, I have to get in my car and drive somewhere to just forget about school. I have a new appreciation for my 2004 Lincoln.
Other than having to do my own laundry and paying for my own groceries, I still don’t totally feel grown up. Maybe it’s because senior guys look like giants to me or because I still wear bunny socks, but I haven’t become a full-fledged adult, even if I’m a full-fledged college student. College is my last stop before true adulthood and that’s why I embrace it and am ready to take on the challenges that I continue to face. I’m choosing to be here because it’s just another stepping stone to my greater goals in life. I’m willing to deal with the rough patches in order to become the person I want to be. This is something I want to try and want to actually enjoy.
College is full of new things to try and those new things haven’t stopped coming at me at full speed. But the reassuring part of trying new things is knowing you’ll be okay in the end, in fact, with everything I’ve learned about myself, I know I’ll be more than okay in the end. I can do this.