Dear 2022,
The time has come; your job starts now. The last guy who had your position was, well, disappointing to say the least. In fact, the guy before him was just as bad, even worse in some ways. Both employees were nothing short of horrendous; they were constantly causing horrible events, and just when they would get our hopes up and shine a light at the end of the tunnel, they made the tunnel even longer and cut the electricity entirely. We’ve really had a bad run for a while now. Here’s to hoping that you break the streak.
You’ll notice that there are some requirements for the position: firstly, no surprises: we’ve had our fair share of them recently, and it would be great if you could just do your job without anything unexpected happening. Next on the list, be better than the last two people who filled your position. You don’t have to be as incredible as 2019 (although we would of course appreciate it if you were) all that we ask is that you are better.
This job, like many, comes with its fair share of benefits; the most impressive and beloved of which actually isn’t given to you until your time here is done. At the end of your position, we throw parties all over the world celebrating what you’ve accomplished, and if I’m being completely honest, getting excited for the next employee, but most people in your position just like to tell themselves that the celebration is solely for them. These parties are joyful and extravagant; definitely something to look forward to.
Before you start getting intimidated by what you’ve gotten yourself into, remember that you don’t even have to be that great at what you do. Our standards are so colossally low at this point, as long as you just do your job and don’t screw up, we’ll be over the moon. So just be mediocre; that’s all that we ask. We’re all looking forward to saying goodbye to the person currently filling your position, and welcoming you with open arms (metaphorically of course, we ARE still in a pandemic. speaking of which, it would be great if you could do something about that).
So welcome aboard! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Enjoy the job! You’ll only have it for 365 days, so make it count.
Sincerely,
The Universe