As a transgender woman, I face discrimination, ostracizing, aggressions, and even violence on an almost daily basis – strictly because of my identity and who I am. Micro-aggressions can be the most painful to deal with, because these interactions almost always involve people working to take space away from me, or putting me ‘in my place’, in such a way that they can claim that they simply didn’t mean any harm or that I am ‘taking it the wrong way’. In this way, they can always turn things around that I am overreacting or even the person in the wrong. Misgendering and improper use of personal pronouns is one of the most common forms of micro-aggression. Often, Misgendering can be deliberate, and a refusal to use appropriate pronouns points to a need to mock, bully and control others.
The other day, as I was going about a long but satisfying day of classes, things were going well and I was in a positive mood. I stopped in one of the food establishments on campus to get some food and relax before the next class. This is a place where I have had very good experiences with the staff and, usually, very good service. On this particular day I was dressed in one of my fun, cute and casual outfits and had taken a bit more time that morning on my makeup. In short, it would be difficult to label me as masculine or even presenting as male. I should have recognized the tell-tale signs of ‘trouble’ by the way the server was looking at me and avoiding me as much as possible. When I was done, I had asked for my bill, and the person turned away and muttered, “right away, Sir”. I was devastated. Even a quick and timely intervention by the manager did nothing to alleviate the way I felt or the tears welling up behind my eyes. I made a quick exit, but the damage to my confidence and emotions was complete. The support of some of my best friends helped to shake it off, but what about others who go through these same things without as strong a support network?
It is well documented that Misgendering can severely affect the mental health of transgender and non-binary individuals, regardless of age, experience, culture, occupation, or economic status. In Self Identity, a psychology journal, a 2014 research study showed that over 32.8% of the transgender participants felt stigmatized through misgendering, and that many experience depression, loss of confidence, and low self-esteem. Misgendering can lead to many other problems as well, including increased discrimination, inadequate access to health care, violence by others, and higher rates of suicide, anxiety, mental illnesses, and hospitalization. The majority of the time, Misgendering is easily avoidable , simply by taking the time to consider what the impacts of one’s acts and words can have on others who are simply trying to live their lives while being happy and authentic to who they know themselves to be.
Misgendering is all too often a tool of control used by people who really have no business policing others and who they think they ‘should’ be. It is violent and aggressive, and has no place in any shared public space. It is by design a deliberate harm to another person. As one friend so aptly stated it, “Who do they think they are, anyway? Don’t they know it is 2020?” It is really difficult to understand the need to deliberately harm others, especially in places like a University environment which prides itself in diversity and integration.
What steps can we take today to avoid inappropriate use of personal pronouns and Misgendering others? An article written by KC Clements for Healthline in 2017 offers some excellent guidelines (https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/misgendering).:
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Never make assumptions about who a person is or how they identify.
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When in doubt , simply ASK. Asking a person what their pronouns should never lead to unpleasantness, awkwardness, or hurt feelings.
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Make it a habit to remember a person’s preferred pronouns and to use them. If you don’t remember, refer back to the second guideline.
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Always work to avoid gendered language if you don’t know a person. Examples include Sir, Ma’am, ladies, guys, Mr. and Mrs. Calling a group of people ‘guys’ can end up being unintentionally hurtful, especially in one of the members happens to be transgender.
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If you know how a person wants to be identified, USE the pronouns and gender identity they have already stated. Never default to gender-neutral language if you know their preferences. Calling someone ‘they’, just because you feel awkward referring to them as their stated gender is never alright.
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If you have an opportunity to learn more through sensitivity training or special workshops – especially while in University – do so! These are readily available, and often take a small amount of time for little or no cost.
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Finally, if you do make a mistake, correct yourself and move on. Profuse apologies can be awkward and demoralizing for the transgender individual, and are often nothing more than a means to make yourself feel better. It’s not about you, it’s about them. Therefore, never expect a transgender person to accept your apology. Remember, THEY are the ones who have been hurt – not you!
Following these guidelines, and making an effort to treat transgender and non-binary people with basic respect will go a long way in making an often difficult life for them a little easier. It is a simple thing to do, and can only really serve to make things better for everybody involved.