President Joseph Biden has decided to remove funding for two years of free community college and affordable housing from his economic spending plan after pushback from other Democrats over cost concerns. In order to appease Americans who will be disappointed by this backtracking, Biden has offered to provide each American household one reusable stainless steel water bottle as a less expensive alternative.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical, meaning it is not meant to be read as fact. Satire is protected under the First Amendment’s freedom clause, which means the author has the Constitutional right to critique through parody. All “quotes” and statements attributed to any of the persons mentioned in this article are purely fictitious and not meant as defamation or slander.
President Biden has made the difficult decision to renege on his campaign promises of cost-free community college for American students and affordable housing options for low-income Americans. The investments would remove financial barriers for many Americans seeking education and housing security.
Unfortunately, due to pushback from other Democrats over the reported $109 billion cost of free tuition and the $213 billion cost of an affordable housing plan, both ideas have been scrapped in order to pare down the total costs of appropriations bills in the nation’s budget. One silver lining is Biden’s new offer of one free reusable stainless steel water bottle to each American household, which is estimated to cost a much cheaper $2.5 billion.
The water bottles will be engraved with the American flag as well as the Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman logos; both arms-manufacturing companies have decided to sponsor this new appropriations bill in order to show support for crappy politicians. The water bottles will also be equipped with micro GPS tracking chips and cell phone data interceptors donated by Facebook—sorry, I mean Meta.
I’m beyond excited to team up with the American government in order to f*ck Americans just one last time.
-Dean Acosta, CCO at Lockheed Martin
Dean Acosta, senior VP and chief communications officer for Lockheed Martin had this to say “I’m beyond excited to team up with the American government in order to f*ck Americans just one last time.” Acosta has chosen to resign from Lockheed Martin for reasons that include being of retirement age and also being so rich he’s decided to stop working.
Americans can expect their water bottles to appear unexpectedly outside of their houses sometime in November. Attached will be an accompanying paper copy of an executive order to carry the water bottles with them at all times or face a penalty of a minimum of five years in prison for treason, which the Constitution defines as “levying war against the United States.”
Many Americans are excited about this freebie, especially the ACLU, as it seems nifty and also they will finally have substantial evidence that the government and corporations are violating our privacy.
The CCP is also in support of this new spending policy, with China’s president Xi Jinping stating that he “can’t wait to see another great country join the ranks of those who will go above and beyond to violate the human rights of their citizens.”
In the words of Joseph McCarthy, “Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form of despotism.”