I am the founder and editor in chief of Her Campus Grinnell, a publication that supposedly promotes female leadership and empowerment, and yet I still hesitate to write this article. Here is my reasoning:
Do any of these concerns sound like things you’ve told yourself before? I share my own thought process only to emphasize the point that I am not writing from a bully pulpit. Like many of you, I am a college student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a product of my environment, and a work in progress. I have faced my fair share of life’s curveballs, but I generally consider myself capable and confident.
Yet no matter what I achieve or how many incredible people come into my life, I find it difficult to resist buying into norms of femininity– even the ones I know are ultimately destructive. And although these issues are uncomfortable and often taboo to discuss, I also know that I am not alone in my struggle.
As young women, we have so many social pressures telling us to sit down, shut up, and go along to get along. Some of these messages are delivered as explicit sanctions (calling assertive young girls “bossy”), others are unspoken (passive aggression), and many morph into the most insidious form of all: internalization.
How does this process work? As young girls, we learn what it means to be an “ideal female” in the eyes of society: desirable but not sexual, smart but not threateningly so, confident but not “bitchy”. Given that these (patriarchal, capitalist) ideals are by definition unattainable, we develop insecurities about our inability to meet them.
But that doesn’t stop us from trying. And in the process, we sell ourselves in order to buy into normalized expectations of what women “should be”. Finally, we inflict these distorted standards upon other women, which reinforces their destructive power. The cycle of internalized oppression is complete.
Does all of this sound theoretical and foreign? Here are a few examples of how women reproduce internalized oppression.
- Why would she wear those shorts with that muffin top? She’s just embarrassing herself.
- It’s too bad she slept around so much freshman year…she pretty much made herself un-dateable.
- I mean I support female equality, but I wouldn’t consider myself a feminist…I’m not angry, I like men, and most feminists are honestly just annoying and unattractive.
Have you said anything resembling the contents of this list? I certainly have.
Why? Because when some brave soul dares to try and buck convention, our collective reaction is often an angry: How dare she? The subtext, of course, being: I couldn’t get away with wearing/saying/acting like that, so why should she have the right to?
The underlying message is this: when we hurl these insults, we engage in a game of hot potato in which the only winners are the industries that profit from women’s insecurities. Although we may feel better in the moment, we ultimately cement our own perceived inadequacies and perpetuate the view that no woman deserves to take up space.
- She cannot have too big an appetite for food, because then she is fat (and therefore undeserving of respect and love).
- She cannot have too big an appetite for sex, because then she is a slut (and therefore undeserving of respect and love).
- She cannot have too many emotions, because then she is unstable and crazy (and therefore undeserving of respect and love).
- She cannot have too big an appetite for speaking her mind, because then she is a bitch (and therefore undeserving of respect and love).
Notice a pattern? In a revolutionary Huffington Post article, dating coach Harris O’Malley eloquently explains the destructive messages embedded in everyday language:
The Five Deadly Words
There are certain words that are applied to women specifically in order to manipulate them into compliance: “slut,” “bitch,” “ugly/fat” and, of course, “crazy.” These words encapsulate what society defines as the worst possible things a woman can be. Slut-shaming is used to coerce women into restricting their own sexuality into a pre-approved vision of feminine modesty and restraint. “Bitch” is used against women who might be seen as being too aggressive or assertive… acting, in other words, like a man might. “Ugly” or “fat” are used — frequently interchangeably — to remind them that their core worth is based on a specific definition of beauty, and to deviate from it is to devalue not only oneself but to render her accomplishments or concerns as invalid.
“Crazy” may well be the most insidious one of the four because it encompasses so much. At its base, calling women “crazy” is a way of waving away any behavior that men might find undesirable while simultaneously absolving those same men from responsibility. Why did you break up with her? Well, she was crazy. Said something a woman might find offensive? Stop being so sensitive.
So, then, we have established that there is a problem. What exactly are we supposed to do? Here’s a real life hypothetical.
Say you’re sitting in the D-Hall on Sunday morning with your friends, and you hear a few of the guys light-heartedly trashing some “easy” girls they hooked up with the night before. If you’re like me, your typical thought process goes somewhat like this:
I can’t believe they’re saying those things. Horrifying. Those poor girls… Do they say that about me? At least I’m safe this Sunday morning… And maybe those girls really were easy. They should have known better… they should have realized that this is what the charming guy from last night would turn into once he got what he wanted. But then again, maybe he’s just trying to distance himself from the situation because she isn’t hot enough to brag about to his buddies. Like that old saying, she’s decent enough to hook up with once, but not hot (and certainly not classy) enough to date. Or even to acknowledge in public, apparently, because she just passed by to get a drink and he’s refusing to make eye contact with her. Note to self: always look hot at Sunday brunch.
Well, this is all really messed up, but at least I’m at the table instead of walking by it. Anyways, I’d rather know the truth about how guys talk. But I’m offended. Should I say something besides a cutesy, “Oh, stop it, you’re terrible!” Probably not. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to fall out of their good graces, and if I piss them off, I could be the next target. Besides, it’s not like it would actually change anyone’s behavior in the long term…
Meanwhile, I sit there and pick at my food, every so often looking up to widen my eyes in mock disapproval and interject, “But you guys! That’s so mean!”
As if that makes my silence okay. As if that somehow compensates for my complicity.
It’s cowardly. It’s disgusting. The cycle of internalized oppression harms everyone (including men), and it needs to stop.
Think about how much energy we spend judging ourselves and other women, rationalizing our decisions to stay silent when we see females being criticized into compliance, and inflicting destructive “rules” upon ourselves and others. It is counterproductive, it is exhausting, and I am so SICK and TIRED of participating. How much could we accomplish if we made simple efforts, every day, to reverse the cycle?
We can’t change society overnight, but I hope you find the courage to recognize and speak out when you notice women—your peers, your relatives, and yes, even yourself—being shamed into submission and silence. Assert your right to raise your voice, to kick and scream, to take up space without hesitation and without apology. Do it for yourself, and do it for all of the other women watching in wait. You never know who you’ll inspire.
I know firsthand how difficult it is to speak up and be taken seriously as a young woman. Even when the issue at hand is important. Especially when it’s important. But that’s why it is so urgent that we take action. And while I am nervous that writing this article is essentially outing myself as a terrible person, I am closing my eyes, enlisting the help of Mean Girls, and trusting that coming clean is the first step to making things right.
This article is dedicated to every woman who has ever been made to feel as though she is too much, yet somehow never enough; who has ever been told that her natural appetites for food, sex, intelligence, or a voice are shameful and somehow disqualify her from giving and recieving respect and love. You are worth so much more than that, and you are capable of so much more than you know. I cannot promise you answers, and I cannot guarantee that anything I have written here or elsewhere will be remotely helpful or inspiring. That, I leave for you to decide. But I can promise you an ally.
Thank you for reading, and for supporting Her Campus Grinnell. I truly appreciate it.
HCXO,
Katy