I’ve always known I wanted to major in English. I’m a reader, a writer, a passionate Tolkien nerd, a stubborn analyst of literature, and a general fan of language. I’ve had a vast variety of life goals ranging from journalism to teaching, and I’ll admit that I haven’t quite narrowed that list down. But I’ve also faced a lot of furrowed eyebrows and caustic sarcasm for my choice from my friends, my family, my grade school teachers, and my peers, impressing me with the understanding that an English degree is nothing more than the butt end of a funny joke. “But what will you do with it?” they ask. “Why not study something more practical?” I have trouble discerning the lack of practicality when the English language is the backbone of corporate America. I don’t deny that the job market is rough these days, but I consider my experience studying language just as essential as that of a biology student.
In short, we get a lot of crap. Our efforts in school are demeaned by people who underestimate our work ethic, ridiculed by people who premeditatively declare our failure. But we’ve read the stories and the epic poems, and we know that success is the endpoint of hard work.
That being said, however, there are still a few phrases that make us cringe:
I write poetry in my spare time, too!
Let me make this clear: poets don’t construct poetry because they have spare time. Whitman didn’t sit around and say, “Yeah, I got no more wounds to patch up, and I’m not due back to the hospital for a few hours, so I might hang out and jot down a few lines.” Wordsworth didn’t decide, “Well, I’m pretty bored tonight, so maybe I’ll just knock out that daffodil thing.” No, poets write poetry in all the time they are given because it’s what they love, it’s what they do, it’s in their name, for heaven’s sake. Writing is not the hobby of the writer, it is the life within him/her.
I wish I could sit around and read all day.
Do you wish you could sit around and inundate your copy of Derrida’s “Of Grammatology” with your tears, or would you prefer Eliot’s “Waste-Land?” We are not simply reading, my friends, we are working, going far beyond words and stories into form, style, genre, devices, movements. Yes, we love reading, just as some students like science or politics; but tell me, do they really love the homework? If we could major in sitting around and reading for leisure believe me, we would love that, but English is a whole other can of rabid Alaskan bull worms.
So, are you gonna write a book?
I dunno, fam, are you gonna run for office? English is such a versatile major, one that can lead to careers in business, politics, education, communications, yet everyone is stuck in the mindset of believing that we’re all going to produce a New York Times bestseller. What a narrow expectation for a group of people of such versatile interests. Yeah, here, let me just crank one out tonight, I’ll dedicate it to you.
Can you edit my paper for me?
Granted, this question is a little two-sided. Yes, we are flattered that you think we will be good editors, and yes, we would love to break out the red pens. But there are a few problems with this statement: for one, if you’re not emotionally prepared for me to rip your grammar to pieces and slam your syntax into the ground like John Cena, don’t ask. Second, don’t take advantage of us. We can be helpful (and free) resources, but we’ll know when it’s getting excessive; if it’s only been one week and I’ve already got your third paper in my hands, prepare to feel the fury.
What can you even do with an English major?
Glad you asked. Advertising, journalism, public service, editing, publishing, international relations, law, marketing, management, sales, public relations, research, library sciences, television, radio, web content, freelance poetry, education, peace and justice, non-profit work, entrepreneurship, professional jousting, and being a badass. Let’s face it, we all scared our parents when we told them we wanted to be English majors, but little do they know that we are the force behind every corporation and organization. Without language we are nothing, and without people who understand it we are screwed.
Fear not, young English major, we understand your strife. Assert your dominance, bugger on, be proud in battle, and above all, remember the mantra: “They hate us cause they ain’t us.”