As an ally, there are several things you need to recognize and accept.
First, know that there is always room for education. If your friend tells you something you’ve done that is racist/homophobic/etc., do not get defensive about it. You cannot say you are an ally if you are not ready to keep learning.
You need to continously be open to suggestions, and ways you can do more. You need to understand multifaceted aspects of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, islamophobia, anti-semitism, transphobia. Not all of it is as simple as ‘I don’t actively discriminate, therefore I am not racist’. There are microaggressions that can be committed without ever intending to. There are also ways in which staying silent and not fighting is just as harmful as being an aggressor.
You cannot be fully aware of how to be an ally until you are aware of all of the ways that the lives of those you say you are allying are affected. To make things about yourself is to ignore that you are an ally and not the center focus.
As a white woman, I am dutifully aware of the privileges I have been born with and have lived with. Being an ally means accepting that and joining the fight to help others be treated the way I have always been simply because of my color, religion, and socioeconomic status. I am aware it is not my place to pity those who are discriminated against, or say my apologies. I must actively use my position in society to make a difference for the individuals who never received the benefits I did.
There are many cases of allyship we see in the public sphere, and these I think assist in getting a picture of the right way to be an ally.
Jessica Chastain tied her salary to Octavia Spencer’s in The Help so that there would be no racial discrimination that would play out in salary. This is what an ally is.
Zendaya spoke out against colorism when she discussed the way that she is “Hollywood’s acceptable version of a black girl.” This is what an ally is.
John Legend joined Surviving R Kelly to raise awareness about the injustices against women. This is what an ally is.
Allies use their power and privilege to help others, and must continously be open to more opportunities to expand their allyship.