October 11th is National Coming Out Day. For those who might not know, it’s a day started by the Human Rights Campaign that celebrates the power that people have to come out. It’s a day when people can choose to come out. It’s a day when people can share their coming out stories. And it’s a day to celebrate your acceptance of people who have come out.
But this guide is for you people who are still confused. It sometimes can seem like the hardest thing in the world to ask what may seem like a stupid question, but it’s also how we avoid miscommunications. So this is a list of stupid questions. This is a list of questions that may seem obvious to some. And this is a list of answers so you can skip to the more important topics.
Let’s get started!
Someone just came out to me and I don’t know what to do?!
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Chillax. They’re still your friend or family member. But as for reactions…are you just standing there? If the answer is yes, then your friend or family member probably doesn’t know what to do either. They are probably waiting for your response. But it’s also a bad idea to be hasty or say something you’ll regret.
The best course of action is to be cool with it and say that you accept them. Remember that we don’t want any miscommunication, so be clear. Say something like, “Ok. that’s cool. Do you want to go get lunch?” or “Thank you for telling me. You’re awesome.”
If you actually really confused and don’t know how you feel about it then it’s ok to take some time for yourself. But again, be clear to avoid miscommunication. Tell them that you still want to be friends with them, but that you need to think about what it means. Or better yet, ask them if you can ask some questions to help you understand better.
Don’t outright reject them. Don’t just storm away. And don’t make the moment all about you.
For more tips, check out this educational article.
Why didn’t they trust me with this information before?
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Coming out takes a lot of courage. Even if you think you know someone really well and have talked with them about these issues before, that doesn’t mean you know exactly how they’ll react. And, let’s face it, sometimes anxiety and stress can do a lot to warp our perceptions of how something might go. So, it’s not an insult against you if they didn’t tell you before. It just shows how much they trust you now.
OMG! Can I tell everyone?
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No! This person chose to share with you. They have the right to decide when and how they come out. Don’t take that away from them. Always make sure you ask someone if you think they haven’t come out to someone else. And never assume that they’re out to someone. Sometimes they just aren’t comfortable with other people knowing yet and sometimes they may be keeping it on the down low for a reason. Just talk with them and be sure that you know what they want.
What does that mean?
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Sometimes a quick Google search is enough to find out, but we’ll go ahead and give you some answers now.
Gay or lesbian? They are sexually attracted to people of the same gender.
Bisexual? They are sexually attracted to both males and females.
Trans or Transgender? They identify as a gender that they were not assigned at birth.
Nonbinary? They do not identify as male or female.
Pansexual? They are sexually attracted to all genders.
Agender? They do not identify with a gender.
Genderfluid? They identify as no gender, many genders, or different genders at different times.
Asexual? They do not experience sexual attraction.
Aromantic? They do not experience romantic attraction.
One important thing to keep in mind here is that there is difference between sexuality, romantic, and gender orientations. Someone’s sexuality does not define their gender. Sometimes a person’s sexuality and romantic orientation may line up. Someone could be Bisexual and Biromantic.
But sometimes they don’t line up. Someone can be asexual, but not aromantic. Remember that everyone’s experiences are unique. Just because you have a friend who is gay doesn’t mean that your cousin who is also gay is going to have the same experiences. And again, if you don’t know the meaning of a word they tell you then don’t be afraid to ask.
You’re questioning? What does that mean?
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It means that this person hasn’t quite figured out what they are yet. That’s ok. In this situation, it’s best to just be there for them. It’s super easy not to be a jerk by being respectful if they want you to be called by a different pronoun or if they change their mind.
Coming out is a big deal because it involves putting a part of yourself out there for the world, or just that person, to see. So be respectful and never be afraid to ask the stupid questions. Stupid questions are how we all learn.