By nature, I am non-confrontational. While I am passionate about social and political issues, about discussing international affairs and feminist theories, I have always had a tendency to back out of arguments or debates if I felt them getting too heated, seeing no advantage in unproductive discourse; if I can’t change their mind and they can’t change mine, I figured, why keep going?
But habits change, and my habit of being non-confrontational, which began to bend during the exhausting road to the last election, finally broke–violently–sometime around November 9, 2016. Suddenly, I found myself squaring off with strangers in Facebook comments sections, with distant relatives over dinner, with close friends, even if we had previously decided not to talk about contentious issues so as not to jeopardize our relationships. I was experiencing so many forms of anger and distress, and when I argued, I wasn’t always nice. I was snarky, rude, crass, even. I would follow a BBC link or a statistic with a sarcastic or caustic comment.
And, honestly, in most cases, that was completely fine to me, because I was not–indeed, I am not–prepared to be nice to folks who are so content to disrespect and threaten the existence of marginalized people (lookin’ at you, racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, xenophobic, ableist Trump supporters).
Finding myself in a few scuffles with Trump supporters about gender issues recently, I have had a hard time coming to terms with a deeply pervasive sexism that seems to have sprung from the shadows of the Obama administration when, as far as I can see, it was slightly less appropriate for men to publicly denounce women in STEM fields, murder trans women of color, accuse woman of being on their menstrual cycles on national television when they ask pressing debate questions, or literally hump statues of little girls on Wall Street. Misogyny was alive and well during these years, of course, as were racism and xenophobia, but the rhetoric of the last campaign cycle, with its tolerance–one could say promotion–of sexual assault, its fat-shaming, its appeal to masculine superiority, and its general disregard for women’s health and safety, has made that misogyny considerably more public and disturbingly more acceptable.
Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/2AMxY3glvUN8Y/giphy.gif
These people who, before, had never bothered to utter their opinions about the wage gap or rape culture have suddenly revealed themselves. They believe in male superiority, in upholding strict gender roles, in undermining and delegitimizing women’s struggles, in defending rape culture. They feel inclined to point out at unnecessary points in an argument that men experience forms of discrimination and that they are, in fact, treated unequally in school and thus disadvantaged later in life (see: white people who think that affirmative action is the reason they weren’t admitted to their top college). Their mansplaining is getting more and more malicious. What stings the most is that they’re completely okay with holding these opinions and presenting them publically; they have no qualms making statements that, before the rise of Trump, would have had them labeled as dangerous and sexist.
And I’m not sorry for generalizing because I’ve experienced enough of this rhetoric to know who it comes from and how they really feel about gender issues. I have been called stupid and illiterate by Trump supporters when debating these topics, accused of not understanding equality, even told by a man (who, I quickly learned, isn’t a feminist) that I don’t know anything about feminism. I have had my experiences with sexual assault, with workplace harassment, with catcalling and abusive relationships and intimidation completely disregarded because the man I was arguing with decided it wasn’t compelling evidence, and I have been told that I’m not smart enough to understand a certain article because of its length (hi, yes, English major here, I read a lot of long things, thanks). Even after presenting a variety of reliable sources with quotes, statistics, studies, graphs, and further reading recommendations when the person with whom I was arguing did not, I have still been told that I have no idea what I’m talking about.
And holy shit, that is frustrating.
Thus, I have compiled a comprehensive list of things I would like Trump supporters to know, so I can spare myself the trouble of getting cut by the shards of another man’s fragile masculinity (and these are non-negotiable):
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The wage gap exists, and reputable organizations like the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, the European Commission, the National Committee on Pay Equity, the United States Department of Labor, and the National Women’s Law Center provide compelling evidence that you cannot simply refute with arguments about women lacking negotiation skills.
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Men being accused of rape is not the problem; rape is the problem.
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Furthermore, the solution to rape isn’t self defense classes; the solution is to not rape people. A good place to start would be actually sending rapists to jail for more than three months (@ Brock Turner: you’re evil).
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Sexism and gender inequality are alive and well in the United States. Women experience discrimination in the workplace, in schools, in sports, in government, in the home; in essentially every aspect of life.
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Women of color, Muslim women, LGBTQA women, women with disabilities, immigrant women, Native American women, and all marginalized women experience sexism and inequality to a much greater extent.
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President Trump is sexist and perpetuates rape culture.
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The Gag Rule is a threat to women’s health and is predicted to result in a number of deaths and thus CANNOT be described as pro-life.
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It is hypocritical to allow men to decide what women can and can not do with their bodies.
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Trans women are, indeed, women.
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Things that exist in the United States include male privilege (not to mention white privilege), rape culture, sex trafficking, and all forms gender discrimination. If you try to argue that sexism does not exist in the United States, you are wrong.
Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/l0IyaBl4NnlQqOnhS/giphy.gif
Of course, this is just the summary you might come across at the end of a chapter, and there are many more folds to the gender discussion, including race, sexuality, class, ethnicity, and religion.
I have learned a lot about Trump supporters, and the American right in general, through these discussions (call them fights, if you will), but more importantly I have discovered that what was once taboo in our society has indeed become alarmingly acceptable. I don’t know if I change any minds when I discuss these issues, even when I present statistics and unbiased evidence, and I know I certainly cannot change the current state of affairs in America.
Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/l4FGKzvX1YMWfF6De/giphy.gif
So I implore my fellow feminists (and remember: it’s not feminism if it’s not intersectional) to call out the bullshit. You do not have to be aggressive or acerbic like me; you don’t even have to fight. But don’t believe them when they say it’s better to be complacent or polite or non confrontational. After all, someone who denies respect for entire races or sexes certainly will not receive respect from me. I believe in civility, but I also believe in justice, so as long as you’re maintaining your values, don’t be afraid of getting your hands dirty.