Just like Dante’s Circles in Divine Comedy, Gettysburg has its own levels of suffering: the infamous plague. As time goes by, it varies in form: stomach bug, cold, virus…. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be insufferable.
First Circle: Sniffles and Denial
Walking across Stine Lake, you notice your nose is unusually stuffy. You’re a bit tired, but you blame it on 8 a.m. Calc. Tissue-less, you ignore it and head for Bullet— nothing distracts you like Chicken Finger Friday.
Second Circle: Regret and General Malaise
Believe it or not, you feel worse this morning. Maybe going out last night wasn’t the best idea; chugging Natties at Lamda hasn’t seemed to help your condition. You may be hungover, you may be ill. Either way, you won’t be very productive today.
Third Circle: Sickness and Sorrow
There’s no denying it at this point: you’ve caught the plague. Curse your Bio partner for spreading it. You lie in bed feeling sorry for yourself, maybe struggling through a bit of homework to salvage the GPA you foresee falling just like your immune system. The Health Center is closed on Sundays, of course (students are immune to illness on weekends, right?), so you strive in silence. You fall asleep just after writing a snarky Yak about how much you hate being sick.
Fourth Circle: The Struggle
You can let yourself miss class, but meeting up with your squad at Servo? Never. You rant to them about how terrible you feel while texting your Mom to call the doctor for you. You only make it through half a cookie when you realize you must really not be well.
Fifth Circle: Diagnosis and Desperation
After you’ve kept your roommate up the last few nights with your coughing, you finally go to the doctor. Sitting in the waiting room, you ponder how many germs are surrounding. You eventually leave, prepared to leave half of your last paycheck at the pharmacy.
Sixth Circle: Waiting while the Jeooardy theme plays
You take the disgusting liquid stuff and quarter-sized pills and hope for the best. Meanwhile, your roommate still doesn’t sleep and you still feel terrible.
Seventh Circle: Trying to act normal
You can’t eat a full meal, but you’ve missed too many classes. You sit in Creative Writing and try to keep your eyes open while you outline your next essay. Is it further or farther? Who knows. The professor helps another student with punctuation; your distracted state goes unnoticed.
Eighth Circle: It gets worse before it gets better
Both WebMD and MayoClinic say you could have cancer, lupus, or seasonal allergies. You’re certain it’s the black death. The elusive Gettysburg Plague will take it’s first life with your’s, you’re sure. Your family assures you you’re just being melodramatic.
Ninth Circle: This is what breathing feels like
After weeks, nay, months of suffering, you have conquered the plague. You can breathe, eat real meals, and sleep to your heart’s content. You decide to go to Sig Chi to celebrate.