I’m almost positive that most of you can relate.
We all like the idea of “being” with somebody great, but actually “being” with somebody great is a lot to handle.
Try to imagine finding everything that you’ve dreamed of in a significant other. That list you probably wrote a few years back about the perfect man (or woman), well this person meets almost everything that we’ve written on that petty little checklist. Just imagine that this person is perfect and everything they did was perfect and just being with them made everything in your world feel that it could all be perfect.
IT’S TOO DAMN GOOD TO BE TRUE….right?
I used to be so sure of myself. I used to be genuinely confident with who I was and what I wanted. There weren’t any if, and’s, or but’s.
But now…after failed relationships with men, my mother, and my father…how is one expected to open their heart to fully trust and fully love again and again and AGAIN.
Somewhere along the way of all the deceit and betrayal I’ve experienced in this life, I lost myself. I began to question everything and everyone, and for good reasons I believe. My father has to be the biggest disappointment of life. He has to be the true definition of what a beautiful liar is. Now I’m not saying he’s a bad man because I do believe he has a good heart. But the question still lies that how can you say you love me and do me so wrong?
And how can a man that I gave 6 of my best years too (seriously, I was peaking back then) claim to be so much and cheat on me repeatedly with no sign of remorse. But then again, he loved me so that’s all that matters in the end….?
Or when I called to ask my father for $30 because I didn’t have any food to eat for that entire month I was broke and He never called me back, I shouldn’t have been upset about it because he loves me…..right?
Or the last 2 year relationship run where I was told that I wasn’t going to be shit in life and that “another guy would have me on my back soon because that’s all I was good for” only to turn around and come back three weeks later to tell me “I love you and let’s move forward.” And of course me constantly begging not to be cheated on but considering that its okay to be cheated on because at the end of the night, I’m the one who he’s proclaiming his love to.
They all said that they loved me, so that had to be what love is.
It’s amazing how only one bad seed can damage the entire harvest.
Here I am now, opening up that freshly healed wound only to see that I didn’t let it heal all the way. Here I am with this man who has shown me more love than some of the people that I am bound to by blood, this man who wakes up and goes to sleep with me on his mind, this man who tells me that I am the most beautiful girl in his world, to walk with my head high and that I can be anything I want to be in this life. I have that right now and its women forty and fifty years old still trying to find that kind of love. But then my mind goes back, the blood starts to try and seep through the gauze, and in the back of my subconscious, I’m standing in a white room naked, alone, screaming at the top of my lungs “WHAT IF ITS ALL LIE!”
And what if it’s not…
It’s easy to say that time can heal all wounds, but in the end you’ll never forget that kind of hurt. That hurt where somebody tells you that love you, they’ll never hurt you, and that they’ll always be there…and then they left. That kind of hurt where Edward left Bella standing in the woods, ridden with tears whispering “You said you would always be here”.
Well to “Him”, and to the ones that I may love later, it’s always easy in the beginning my dear. But at the end of my night, when it’s all said and done, and my subconscious gets to screaming again, I can’t help but to wake up in a cold sweat wondering will you still be here tomorrow.
And so it begins…