Our friend group at Her Campus is beyond obsessed with Autostraddle’s satirical posts about ranking things by lesbianism, which has inspired some of our posts in the past. One day, while gathering snacks for an upcoming Safe Zone training, we bought rainbow Goldfish crackers—the gayest of the Goldfish cracker lineup. From there, our conversation turned to what identities or stereotypes the other flavors and colors of Goldfish crackers would represent. We ended up coming up with a not entirely comprehensive list of how Goldfish crackers would identify within the LGBTQ+ community—you know, as you do.
Before you read on, please know that we are in no way sponsored by Goldfish (but if anyone at Pepperidge Farm is reading, we would love to be!) and that this article is written entirely as joke.
Rainbow – Gay
Of course the rainbow Goldfish are gay—they’re out and proud and waving their flags wildly.
Cheddar – Elder Gay
Madeline, a certified elder gay (criteria being watching Glee as it aired, the most painful of Gay Trials) holding Cheddar Goldfish
The cheddar Goldfish are obviously the elder gays. They taught us everything we know and fought hard for our place in society. Though they’re sometimes not up to speed and kind of problematic, we love them anyway and respect all that they’ve done for our community.
Baby Goldfish – Baby Gay
Oh baby gays, we love you so. You’re still coming to terms and maybe even coming out for the first time—we’re all here to support you the whole way, babycakes!
Pretzel Goldfish – Bisexual
The pretzel goldfish represents the fluidity of bisexuality. It’s a pretzel, but it’s also Goldfish. These sides of their sexuality are inseparable!
Pizza – Butch
For some reason we just strongly feel that pizza Goldfish are butch. They’re strong and unwavering in flavor and personality, just like their gender nonconforming real-life counterparts.
Pink Princess – Femme
Tori, a pink princess, holding pink princess Goldfish
There is no one else the pink princess goldfish could be other than a femme lesbian. That’s just how it works. The colors even match the lesbian flag!
Cupcake – Asexual
If you’ve ever heard the ace catch-phrase “I’d rather be eating cake”, then you know why the Cupcake flavored Goldfish is ace. We pitched this idea at our Pride Alliance meeting on the ace spectrum and got some positive feedback.
Parmesan – Nonbinary lesbian
Jessica holding parmesan Goldfish while making the same face she makes in all photos
Jessica in particular is a fierce proponent that the parmesan Goldfish is a nonbinary lesbian. Just as some people may not understand how nonbinary people can be lesbians, not everyone appreciates the parmesan Goldfish. But we accept you with open arms, parmesan!
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