We’ve infiltrated this school, your friend groups, and even your innermost homes. No, we’re not the rising rates of chlamydia on campus. We’re Long Islanders. Here’s what we’d like you know:
1) Please understand that we are going through an adjustment period
Coming from Long Island and moving to a village that is literally in the middle of a cornfield and has a McDonalds with the audacity to close at 11 PM is a total culture shock to us—as much as meeting one of those Long Islanders your parents have probably been complaining about all of their lives is to you. Let’s get used to things together. If we stare at you in shock for holding the door open for us, or for smiling in our general direction, don’t hold it against us: this is the first time many of us have felt genuine human warmth. I don’t think the majority of us were even held as children.
2) Please don’t give us “that look” whenever someone mentions The Great Gatsby
West Egg is as real a place as Narnia. Although we would be lying if we said that our parents haven’t dragged us to Old Westbury Gardens or Vanderbilt at one point in our lives, we failed as many homework assignments on The Great Gatsby as you probably did when we were both forced to read it in the tenth grade.
Daisy is still a manipulative lying bitch, though.
3) THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK!
THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! THE DUCK! T̮̙̲̤̮̳͖͢H̵̥͉̰̹̕ͅĘ̶̞͇̺̫͟ͅ ̘͓͍̤͈̟͍͓D̗̰̺̞̹̤̀U̴͏͉̥͖̘̮̲C̵̛̖̞̭͙K̡͔̜̟̪̲̙̟̕̕!́͏̡̰̪ ̵̤͔͙̠̘̠T̯͇̳̬̹̼͍͘͞H̞̮͚̥̰̜͠E̢̝̺͕͘͘ ̴͏̦̲͎̻̮̟ͅD̡̗̳͔̪̥U̙̭̬C̵̼͖͍͠ͅK҉̧̻̜͎̳͔̠͖!̛̺̥ ̥̯͎͉T̛͓̜͕H͠͏̹̬Ȩ͍̥̪͝ ̮̤͢Ḑ̟̫̫̘͚̲U͍̟Ç͇̠̯̜͈̻̗̼͘ͅK̛͉̩̲͉̜̝!҉͔̠̙̤̘͢ ̩͈͖͖͕͎̰͠͞T̘͉͇H͏̯̖̟̹̺ͅȨ̷͖̫͖ͅ ̤̟͔̰D̡͕̣͈̗̼U̵͏̼͇̦̱̣̞̙͡C̠͉̟͇͚̩̣̖̰͟͡K̢̮!͜͏̪̦̲̥̬
4) There are two wholly polarized reactions to leaving the Island. Understand the basis for both of them
Some people, upon making the great leap across the Throgs Neck Bridge and into the enigma known only as “upstate”, would rather drown themselves in the Sound than ever go back to living on the Island. It’s extremely liberating to know that a place actually exists where life goes a bit slower, people smile a bit more, and you won’t have your car keyed for accidentally cutting someone off in the Stew Leonard’s parking lot.
And then there are the people who would like to barricade themselves in Little Vincent’s and clock anyone who tries to remove them over the head with a flagel. Maybe their rosy idea of upstate living didn’t quite pan out, or maybe they’re just homesick. After all, it’s difficult for even the most die-hard of mutinied Long Islanders to not miss the bagels, the rush of the Island’s hustle-and-bustle attitude, and family members (mostly the bagels, though). But neither reaction is wrong.
5) Literally everyone has had a near-death experience on Jericho Turnpike that we will gladly recite for you in detail
Jericho Turnpike is man’s hubris incarnate. Known as a whole as “New York State Route 25” and going by other names such as “Queens Boulevard” and “Main Street” depending on where you are, it is an uninterrupted 105 mile stretch of road that takes you from one side of the Island to the other. As you might imagine, this is the perfect recipe for accidents. The odds are in favor of your Long Island friends having a car barrel towards them as they try to illegally jaywalk to Popeyes.
6) Living on Long Island isn’t always fun and games and superior pizza
Long Island has a “long” history of racial segregation that continues to affect school distribution and neighborhood development to this day, unusually high rates of breast cancer, and a massive heroin epidemic, but let’s continue to talk about how I stand “on line” instead of “in line”, I guess.
7) Long Island will always be a part of us
You can take the girl out of the poisonous hellhole, but you can’t take the poisonous hellhole out of the girl.
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