There’s a funny little concept in psychology known as a “parasocial interaction” in which a one-sided relationship is developed between a person and some sort of figure—a classic example being a celebrity—because the person has spent so much time and emotional energy focusing on the figure. For example, if you were invested in the Kardashians, and spent a lot of time watching their show, their interviews, and their fashion shows, you might feel like you and Kim have some sort of bond with one another. On the other hand, Kim Kardashian has absolutely no idea that you exist (bummer, guess those college bills are going to have to pay themselves).
I feel as if I’ve developed some sort of parasocial interaction with the abstract concept of a Youtube video. Because of the easy access I have to them 24/7, there is literally nothing stopping me from googling “bowl of lettuce rowling down the street as diana ross’ ‘i’m coming out’ plays in the background” at 1 A.M. This is far too much power for my mind to have. I have now begun to run into situations in which I will be going about my day as normal, and then do something that reminds me of an online video, which rocket-launches my mental state directly into the void. Here are some examples of those very videos.
1) Chris Fleming’s “Teens Who Drink Coffee”
As if I already do not consciously think about every step I take when I enter Starbucks lest the baristas eviscerate me if I ask for a “large” instead of a “venti”, now I have to worry about whether or not the way I hold my coffee would embarrass Chris Fleming. I wish I were joking when I say that I am looking forward to turning 20 solely because I will no longer be a “teen” drinking coffee—just a greatly relieved adult.
2) Breakfast of Champions
If, one day, I can stare down at a bowl of Fruit Loops without a) involuntarily holding my breath or b) the goblin living in my brain banging together pots and pans while screaming “WHY ARE YOU EATING ME”, I will know that my medication has finally begun to work.
3) what are you waiting for, you dumb stupid fuck
This is me every time I stand right out of the view of my professor’s office, trying to not look like I’m not on the verge of tears before I enter. Every single time.
4) Opening Kinder Surprise Eggs Christmas Freakout
Every day that I live, I am burdened with the knowledge that I will never deliver as genuine as a “what the fuck” as this literal child did. I might attend graduate school, earn a doctorate, and dedicate the rest of my life to my patients, and yet, I will never achieve anything as genuine as this child did at the tender age of nine.
5) discowolf.avi
You know that Piaget experiment where he shows young children an animal that they can identify, puts a mask of another animal over its face, and suddenly, the children think that the animal they’re looking at is whatever animal the mask is supposed to represent? I have watched this video so many times that it is literally inseparable from a real, actual wolf to me. What, are you going to prove me wrong?
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