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3 Most Ridiculous Things to Come Out of the JFK Files

As some of you may already be aware, the FBI released the JFK Assassination files late in October. These files detail the surveillance, espionage, and general FBI workings surrounding the search for President Kennedy’s killer. Unfortunately, there was no evidence of Bigfoot being involved, but I read through the files to find all the fun things you might have missed.

1. The USSR thought it was a right-wing conspiracy

Who would’ve thought that your Anti-vacc uncle may be onto something? This document details Russian discourse in the months after the assassination and includes information about how the press and Russian officials all threw on their tin-foil hats and argued that Oswald was framed as a pawn in a “carefully laid plot” originating in the United States.  

Notable Quote: “Hall feels that Oswald was killed by the “ultraright” in order to prevent him from talking.”

2. Some guy got paid to track a CIA operative in Mexico to critique his marriage

While not related to the JFK assassination directly, this may be the best out of the bunch. Willard C. Curtis, who probably went to the Academy dreaming of espionage, is writing an employee review for an unnamed agent, nicknamed GABBOTT. Overall, GABBOTT is a less than stellar employee, turning in work late and generally being irresponsible with money. Luckily for Curtis, GABBOT has a personal life worthy of a spot on the daytime soap opera lineup. After marrying a Mexican woman 25 years his junior, GABBOTT allegedly spends his days quarrelling with his overbearing mother-in-law. If the CIA doesn’t jump on this as their foray into the workplace sitcom world, the United States government needs to re-evaluate their priorities.  

Notable Quotes: “GABBOTT should not be considered for any creative (KUWOLF) writing. He is just a little too romantic and impractical to work in this field.”

3. Oswald may have been in the CIA

In the biggest firestorm from the files, these are the only incomplete documents in the bunch. In a 1975 interview, six years after the assassination (which makes me feel better about writing this article a month late), the Rockefeller commission asks Richard Helms if there’s any connection between Lee Harvey Oswald and the CIA. And just like that, the paper cuts off. Maybe this is to distract us or maybe we are on the verge of to finding the truth to the greatest crime of the twentieth century. The truth is out there and I smell a new National Treasure movie.  

Notable Quotes: The silence of the missing last pages of the dossier and the X-Files theme slowly playing in the distance.

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Theresa Gibbons
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