I always thought I was mediocre. Thinking that there were millions of girls just like me and hundreds that were way better than me. I got through life okay as a kid. Middle school is where things just got difficult. All of a sudden nothing was good enough. My clothes were tacky and never fit right. I never said the cool or funny things in class. At recess, I hung out by myself or with one or two friends. I was definitely not the girl the boys had a crush on. I was me, and I never felt like that was enough or that I meant anything to anyone.
As the years of middle school went on, I found out that I was good at being smart. I decided that I should pursue that and not care if I wasn’t popular. I joined student council, the National Honor Society, and took all honors classes. Later, I decided that if I wasn’t going to be cherished by my peers, I was just going to throw myself into school even more, a place I felt safe and comfortable. I joined track & field, the softball team, and performed in the talent show. Eighth grade was when I found and accepted Jesus into my heart. This discovery was thanks to a super RAD youth pastor. He rocked my world and opened my eyes to all that God had blessed me with. All the love in my heart, the ability I had to reach so many with the Good News, and that it was urgent that I acted on it. Over that last year of middle school, I even started a club on campus where other youngish people with a heart for Jesus could meet and chat.
Although this was a great finding, and addition to understanding a bit of my purpose on this Earth, it still was not enough. I wanted to feel whole and loved – every girl’s wish. At this point I went into high school with my eyes open, but my heart still guarded. Loving others came so easy to me. I could love everyone and show that love with my actions and words. To this day, I deeply believe it is a gift that God has blessed me with. I have a never ending, overflowing sort of love that pours from my core. It has been said many times, you can never fully love another when you don’t fully love yourself. This stung because I didn’t know how to love myself or why I was worthy of it. Going through high school I knew that parties, alcohol, drugs, or boys were not the business. None of these things were my scene and I always felt separate from others for my faith. No one in my life expressed the sort of love I desired. A deep and vast love. I didn’t really understand then, but the love I needed was that of my Heavenly Father.
I conquered high school and began my college years with this thought that deep love would come one day. I started to love myself a bit more. I finally came to the realization that no one else was going to love me, so I better start! I developed my own sort of style, started to kill it at work, decided to invite friends out for more hangs, and be content with the life I had been gifted. Even if I wasn’t entirely confident, it was important that I acted like it. “Fake it, till you make it”…right? If I had allowed myself to get down, I knew it would cause me just to spiral down. I turned into my own motivator.
What I know now is that God is love. He truly is everything I need. He is my hope, the sunshine on cloudy days, my rock when everything seems fuzzy, and never leaves me. He chose me from my mother’s womb to walk this life. Although I am not perfect, I should not focus on being perfection, but on walking everyday with the Lord. He is not mad or disappointed in us, He only loves on us and wants to straighten our path. When we live in a way that is less than healthy or has a negative mindset of ourselves, it pains Him. He gave us this life as a sweet blessing. We should take it as such and know without a single doubt that we are loved and cared for by Him. He is our friend and if we want to get to know Him and His mighty love for us we must spend time with Him. Read His word, have honest conversations with Him, be open to change because we know it will only bring out the best in us and for us.
I’m telling you this, so that you won’t have to experience the same defeat I felt for so long, make the same reckless decisions I did, or just waste time feeling low. Maybe you have learned these things already, in that case, right on girl! We got to stick together & share this good truth with those around us. I didn’t know my worth or that I was loved deeper than the surface. I now know that I am a beautiful human being, with a bright future. You are too. Let this love fill your heart and refresh your mind.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them.
(Psalm 139:13-18)
“You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.”
(John 15:16)