I’m not sure about you, but sometimes life can feel like waking up late for a class you didn’t know you were taking, with a syllabus you haven’t seen, and an assignment with requirements that seem just out of your grasp. Becoming independent is no small thing and can often feel overwhelming. Many times, this is compounded with a fight against the adults in your life who seem to believe you are not ready, further discouraging young adults from taking the risks necessary to learn and grow into full adults. Understandably, many parents struggle to relinquish control when they see it as a protection of those they love; however, it is crucial for the health of the relationship and for their child to grow into a functional adult. There is no set right or wrong way to transition from dependence to independence, but here are some important milestones and some tips to reach them.
Responsibility
If you want more independence, ensure you are ready for the responsibilities that come with it. In my life, my parents raised us with the saying, ” With freedom comes responsibility,” but the inverse can also be true; responsibility can prove you are ready for the freedom. For example, before I got my license, I got a job to make money for the things I would need to pay for with the freedom of my car. The first simple step is realizing what parts of your life you want freedom in. Then, from there, what responsibilities does this freedom entail? Some examples could be planning skills, learning to perform a task, financial understanding, or establishing timelines. Knowing you have mastered the responsibilities needed for freedom can give you the confidence you need to plan and make decisions going forward. It can also help ease your parents’ minds and set up your case if you are still fighting the battle for independence.
Permission
I want to approach the topic of permission carefully because I know that this can be a hard issue for many emerging adults and those who care for them. The harsh or maybe freeing reality of the situation is that if you are an adult, you really don’t need permission. At the end of the day, you will be held accountable for your actions, good or bad. As my mom told me once, “You’re 18, you can make adult decisions, but just remember you have to live with adult consequences. I know this is easier said than done, especially if you are actively fighting for independence while being financially dependent in one way or another. Personally, I think the best approach to this is having an honest conversation. Ask to what degree those supporting you think you need to ask permission. It could sound something like, “I really appreciate all you do for me, but I would like to work towards practicing more independence. Can we talk about what decisions I can make on my own and which ones you would like to be a part of?” In doing that, you are showing that you respect their role in your life, but it still gives you room to negotiate what you feel is reasonable. This is where the responsibility and showing that you understand what that responsibility means for your life comes in handy.
Uncertainty
The uncertainty of going from a dependent to an independent can feel daunting. Realistically, one day our mom was giving us permission to miss curfew, and the next, we were thousands of miles away with the world in front of us. We really can go anywhere, do anything. I would argue that this uncertainty should feel uncomfortable. That is where you grow, you learn who you are and where you want to go. In that uncertainty, it’s ok to ask for help and guidance. That is not you accepting defeat or showing that you can’t handle the independence. There is a vast maturity in realizing you don’t know everything, so ask those who at least know more. You are learning, and you will fail; try again, that is growth.
Direction
It’s easy to feel like you need to know exactly where you’re going to be truly independent. Let me be the first to say that while planning ahead and thinking about the future is both important and wise, it’s ok not to have it all figured out. Each day, focus on learning a little more about a new area of life. Continue asking questions, trying new things, and allowing yourself to change. You don’t have to have the destination completely figured out, just make sure you are moving towards something. Being an adult isn’t a magic switch you flip where one day you’re uncertain, and the next, everything is simple and laid out. I would bet a lot (but not actually because I don’t gamble) that if you asked an adult in your life if they know exactly what they are doing, they would tell you no. Do they know more than they did five to ten years ago? Definitely! But they still struggle to know exactly what to do. Everyone is growing and learning constantly; it just appears in different fonts. Give yourself grace. You can do this, honestly, you are probably already doing more than you realize.